Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can The Societal View Of A Mother Make It Harder For A Mother-Enmeshed Man To Individuate?

Even if a man is overly focused on his mother’s needs and has abandoned himself, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. Not only this, but his mother and the people in his life might not be aware of what is going on, let alone encourage him to change his behaviour.

Thus, there is going to be no reason for him to change his behaviour. If he isn’t aware of what is going on, this might seem strange, and the same can be said if his mother or the people in his life are not aware.

One Part

When it comes to why he wouldn’t be aware of what is going on, it can be because he has been this way for most of his life. Ignoring himself and being there for his mother will be normal and what feels comfortable.

Nonetheless, this will mean that a number of his needs will be overlooked and that he will ignore how he feels. This is likely to mean that there will be a part of him that is stopping these needs and feelings from entering his conscious awareness.

The other part

If his mother is not aware of what is going on, it can show that she doesn’t see her son as her son. Instead, she can see him as nothing more than an extension of herself, which will mean that he will exist to meet her needs.

It then won’t occur to her that he has his own needs and feelings, and life to lead. Based on this, it is to be expected that his mother wouldn’t encourage him to live his own life.

And the other

And, if the people in his life are not aware of what is going on, it can be due to them believing that he is behaving in the right way. As far as they are concerned, as she is his mother, he should be there for her.

He could often be told that he is a ‘good son’ and that he is doing the right thing, or words to that effect. He will then be neglecting himself, but in their eyes, it will be as if he is a modern-day saint.

Another Direction

Furthermore, when he is around his mother’s female friends, they could also shower him with approval for what he does. For example, they could say that he is such a wonderful son and that they wish they had a son like him.

Once again, it won’t cross these people’s minds that he has turned his back on himself. Also, it won’t occur to them that he is being used by his mother or that he is behaving more like her parent than her son.

Inner Conflict

Now, if he started to become aware of how he is out of balance, perhaps after he has gone through a breakup, for instance, he can experience resistance. Part of him can want to change his behaviour, but another, bigger part of him can have the need to behave in the same way.

The former can be seen as his true self and the latter as his false self. Naturally, his true self will want to freely express itself, yet his false self is likely to believe that the only way for him to survive is to focus on and do what his mother wants.

External Feedback

Still, if he were to speak to his mother about what is going on for him and say that he doesn’t want to do as much for her, she could end up criticising him. She could talk about how she did so much for him when he was a boy, and that he should be there for her.

Not only this, but his mother’s friends could say that she did a lot for him when he was younger and that it is only fair that he is there for her now. After this, he can end up feeling guilty and ashamed.

An Invisible Prison

He is then going to want to freely express himself, as opposed to behaving like an extension of his mother, and yet, it will be as if he is in the wrong. In reality, there is nothing wrong with what he wants to do.

What will be clear is that his mother is too caught up with her own needs to see that he is a separate being who has his own life to lead. As for his mother’s friends and anyone else who believes that he should be there for her, it won’t occur to them that not every mother is able to truly be there for and love their child or children.

A Replay

Most likely, how his mother is behaving is a continuation of how she behaved during his formative years. Practically from the moment that he was born, he might have had to adapt to her needs.

If so, instead of receiving the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.  He would have been forced to lose touch with his connected true self and develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

The Message

Moreover, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. He would have also come to believe that he was responsible for his mother.

This stage of his life will then be over, but as he will be developmentally stunted and programmed to neglect himself, he is not just going to be able to change his behaviour. His mother is likely to have been developmentally stunted and unable to provide him with what he needed.

Moving Forward

She might have even had and have a personality disorder, which would explain why she can’t accept that he is an autonomous human being and put herself in his shoes. In this case, even though she doesn’t act like a mother, she will use this role and what it represents to try to make him do what she wants and to deceive others into supporting her.

Anyway, for him to gradually separate from her, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk