Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Man Become A Mother-Enmeshed Man Because His Father Wasn’t Around?

After a man has come to see that he is caught up in his mother’s world and is neglecting himself in the process, he can end up looking back on his early years. During this time, he can see that his father was rarely around and even when he was, he was rarely emotionally available.
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He can then come to the conclusion that if his father had been different, his mother would have also been different. Thus, instead of looking toward him to be there for her, she would have looked toward his father.

It’s clear

From this, his father will be the one who is largely responsible for what he experienced during his formative years and how he is behaving now that he is an adult. His father will then have thrown him to the wolves, so to speak.

After coming to this conclusion, he can experience a lot of anger, rage and even hate toward his father. He might want to find him and ask him why he behaved in this way, assuming that he is not in contact with him and doesn’t know where he is.

The Other Side

Additionally, he can end up feeling sorry for his mother and what she went through. His mother will then have been the victim and his father the perpetrator.

He will have been let down by his father and his mother will have also been let down by him. What might even enter his mind after this is that men are no good and he could feel ashamed of the fact that he is a man.

One Outcome

Due to what he believes, he can find it even harder to break away from his mother. The reason for this is that he might not want to turn his back on her in the same way that his father did.

Being there for her can be seen by part of him as a way for him to make up for the damage that his father did. So, unlike his father who was ‘bad’, he will be ‘good’ by staying by her side.

A Heavy Weight

However, what he will need to keep in mind is that he is not responsible for how his father behaved and is it then not up to him to write his father's wrongs. He will also need to keep in mind that not only was his mother deprived but so was he.

And, therefore, by him focusing on how his mother suffered, he is putting his own self to one side again. He will have had to do this throughout his early years but he no longer needs to do so.

Another Angle

To take a step back, what if it is not this black and white? What if his mother didn’t just happen to end up with a man who was rarely around and wasn’t emotionally unavailable?

What if his mother unconsciously chose a man like this and was replaying what it was like for her as a child? If this is the case, on one level, she will have been deprived by a man that she just happened to end up with and on a deeper level; she will have been derived by a part of herself.

Going Deeper

What this comes down to is that what is taking place for someone at a conscious level is not the only part of them that has an effect on how they experience life. No, it is also what is taking place for them at an unconscious level.

With this in mind, his mother was likely to have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. This would have left her in a developmentally stunted state and she would have feared human contact

The Priority

But, although she would have missed out on what she needed at this stage of her life, she would have continued to try to meet her unmet development needs. Her unconscious mind would have tried to do this by recreating what it was like for her as a child.

Yet, as she would have ended up with a man who was out of reach, she would have been deprived all over again. Nonetheless, as this stage of her life was over, even if he had been available, it would have been too late.

Stepping In

Her son would have then been forced to make up for the fact that she had unconsciously chosen a man who couldn’t be there for her. And, if his mother had a personality disorder, she wouldn’t have been able to accept that he was a separate being who had his own needs and feelings.

Instead, she would have seen him as nothing more than an object that was there to serve her. This would have been a reflection of how underdeveloped she was as this is how a toddler sees others.

The Big Picture

Taking this into account, it would be way off the mark to say that his father is solely responsible for what happened. Both his father and his mother would have undermined him thanks to how wounded they were.

The key is for him to deal with his inner wounds so that he is able to live a life that is worth living. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk