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What a man may see is that he feels responsible for his mother, which causes him to do a lot for her. So, when he is not working or spending time with friends, for instance, he can be doing things for her.
Along with this, he could see that he spends a lot of time listening to her talk about her problems and trying to make her feel better. After this, what could occur to him is that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. Overstretched He might then see that living in this way is causing him to neglect himself and his own life. What he may think about after this is that he spends a lot of time feeling frustrated and drained. But if he were to think about speaking to his mother, let alone actually doing this, he could feel very uncomfortable. If he were to sit with this discomfort, he may find that he feels guilty. It’s Not Right As opposed to him doing the right thing by being there for himself, he will be doing something wrong. After coming to see this, what might enter his mind is that it is not a surprise that he has the inclination to ignore himself and act as though he is an extension of his mother. However, the truth is that he wouldn’t be doing the wrong thing by being there for himself; he would be doing the right thing. After all, he is a separate human being who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead. A Different Scenario If this weren't the case, he could focus on his mother’s needs, and it wouldn’t have a negative impact on him. So, as he is not living in the right way, and this is what is seen as the right way, and what feels comfortable, he can wonder what is going on. What might cross his mind is that there is something inherently wrong with him, or that he just lacks the courage and strength to do what is right for him. However, irrespective of whether he does come to one of these conclusions, there is likely to be more to it. Another Angle If he were to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his formative years, he might gradually see why he is this way. During this time, this mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have typically been in a bad way emotionally, with her often being down and unable to handle life. The outcome of this is that he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. One option To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have caused him to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. Over time, he would have ended up with a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also lived in the hope that if he kept struggling for her love, by being who and doing what she wanted, he would be loved. It Was Fruitless Yet, as futile as this was, as she probably couldn’t provide him with what he needed, it would have served as a secondary defence. This is because it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. If he didn’t focus on her and meet certain needs, she is likely to have criticised, rejected or abandoned him. Due to this, he would have learned that abandoning himself was the only way for him to stay connected to her and survive. The Other Part This would have played a part in why he came to believe that being there for her was the right thing for him to do. What would have also played a part is that his mother might have often spoken about how much she did for him and what she gave up. If this were the case, it would then have been as though she suffered for his benefit, and therefore, it was only right that he sacrificed himself for her. She probably wasn’t consciously aware of it, but she would have used her suffering to ensure that he behaved how she wanted him to and that her needs were met. It serves a purpose It wasn’t just that she was suffering and needed help, as being this way was serving her. No matter what he or others did for her, it wouldn’t have had much of an impact on her. He may even see that when he offers solutions that would actually change her life, not just manage what is going on for her, she rejects them and comes up with excuses. What this may show is that she grew up with a parent or parents who were unable to love her, and suffering was the only way for her to receive the emotional crumbs that were on offer. Moving Forward Her behaviour can then be seen as being manipulative, but it would have been a continuation of what allowed her to survive a very depriving environment. Furthermore, she would have unconsciously looked to her son to provide her with what she missed out on at this stage of her life. Taking all this into account, for him to feel comfortable putting himself first and living his own life and having the sense that this is the right thing for him to do, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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