Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have To Develop A Needless False Self?

If a man is in a position where he is typically focused on a number of his mother’s needs and typically overlooks a number of his own, it can be hard for someone on the outside to understand why he is this way. To them, it can be clear that he is living in the wrong way.

However, if they were to share their thoughts with him, they may find that he is not aware of the fact that he is neglecting himself. He could then dismiss what they say and make out that they are just being critical or negative, for instance.

A Brick Wall

It will then be clear that he is not ready to face up to what is going on and he could stay this way for a very long time. As a result, he will continue to neglect himself and will suffer in the process.

However, there can be a time when he is unable to live in denial and has to accept that he is out of balance. This can be something that takes place after something significant has occurred.

A fall

So, he could end up being well and truly exhausted and simply not be able to function any more. This will be a natural consequence of the fact that he has been living in the wrong way and not receiving what he needs.

Still, even if this does take place, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour. No, he can still have the need to be there for his mother and turn his back on himself.

Confusion

Assuming that this was to occur, he can wonder why he is so conflicted and can’t just live his own life. When he thinks about speaking to his mother and expressing his needs, he can experience anxiety and feel guilty and ashamed.

From this, it will be as though his life is at risk and he is doing something that is wrong. With this in mind, it won’t be a surprise that he has the need to focus on his mother’s needs and overlook a number of his own needs.

Another Element

What he may as find is that apart from his basic needs; he doesn’t have a good connection with his needs. He can then have the need to implement boundaries with his mother but he might not be sure about how he wants to live his life.

Thus, even if he felt comfortable standing up to his mother, he wouldn’t just be able to live his own life. At this point, he could wonder why he doesn’t have a good connection to his needs.  

What’s going on?

What this is likely to show is that his early years were a time when his mother was unable to provide him with the love that she needed. Most likely she was developmentally stunted and hadn’t moved beyond around three years of age.

Instead of being able to be there for him and provide him with the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, she would have looked toward him to be there for her. This is likely to be something that she wasn’t fully aware of.

Going Deeper

As she was emotionally unavailable and out of reach, he would have had to disconnect from a number of his needs and feelings. Quite simply, as his mother rarely if ever met certain needs, it would have been too painful for him to be aware of these needs.

Losing touch with these needs and the pain that he was in wouldn’t have changed what was going on, but it would have allowed him to handle what was going on. Over time, the connection that he had to his body and his needs and feelings would have been replaced by a disconnected, selfless and outer-directed false self.

The Message

Along with losing touch with his true self, then, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was here to meet his mother’s needs. His mother would have unconsciously made him into the attentive and caring parent that she never had.

Thanks to how needy and unaware she was, he had no other choice than to adapt to her and become who she wanted him to be. If he wasn’t powerless and dependent at this stage of his life, it would have been different.

Moving Forward

Now that he is an adult and is no longer powerless or dependent, he can decide how he will live his life. For this to take place, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through, among other things.
This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk