Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Father Abandon Him?

If a man is in a position where he gives a lot of himself to his mother and doesn’t have much time or energy for himself, he is not going to live a life that is very fulfilling. In fact, he might not have much of a life.

But although living in this way won’t serve him, he might not be consciously aware of what is going on. As a result of this, there will be no reason for him to change his behaviour.

The Catalyst

Now, if he were able to see that he is acting more like an extension of his mother than a separate individual who has his own life to live, it could be because he ends up dating a woman. This will be a time when he will have less time available to be there for and do things for his mother.

Due to this, his mother can end up becoming critical and do what she can to change his behaviour. He might stand up to her, or he could cave in and do what she wants, but this can make him step back and reflect.

A Strange Scenario

If this is what takes place, he can wonder why he is so caught up in his mother’s world and can’t just live his own life. Additionally, he can wonder why his mother is so caught up with her own needs and can’t see that he is not her possession.

Before long, he can think about how his mother has behaved over the years and see that this is how she has more or less always behaved. His early years would then have been a time when she looked toward him to be there for her emotionally.

Early Neglect

Therefore, she wouldn’t have provided him with the attunement, mirroring, affection, care and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Instead, he would have had to lose touch with himself and be who she wanted him to be and behave how she wanted him to behave.

The outcome of this is that he would have been connected to his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self when he was born, but over time, he would have developed a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. By adapting in this way, he would have hoped that she would be there for and love him.

It Was No Use

But, as she probably wasn’t able to provide him with what he needed, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Still, adapting in this way would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension.

At this point, it can seem as though if his mother hadn’t been this way, he wouldn’t be in a disconnected and underdeveloped state and would be living his own life. However, even though this may appear to be the case, there can be more to it.

One Scenario

If this were a stage of his life when his father was around, he might not have been largely emotionally available. Assuming that this is so, he would have typically been around, but he would have seldom, if ever, been present and engaged in his son’s life.

Consequently, he wouldn’t have noticed that his son was essentially being devoured by his mother. Or, if he was aware of this, he wouldn’t have done anything about it, which would have left his son without the support and protection that he needed.

Totally Isolated

What he needed was for his father to step in and implement boundaries so that his son wouldn’t be consumed by his mother. One of the reasons why his father didn’t step in was his own fear of being smothered.

By allowing his son to be treated in this way, it would have made it easier for him to keep it together and function. It might not have even occurred to him that his son was suffering, and even if it did, he might have blocked it out.

Both Sides

His father might have also had a mother who looked toward him to meet the needs that hadn’t been met during her formative years and were not being met at that stage of her life. He would then have been smothered, deprived, and not been able to develop boundaries.

Taking this into account, both his mother and father were likely to have been developmentally stunted and traumatised people. They would have had a child, but emotionally, they would have been children themselves.

Moving Forward

For him to gradually change his life, there will be a number of steps for him to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk