Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed-Man’s Mother Emasculate His Father?

One thing that a man could wonder, if he has spent most of his life focused on his mother and pleasing her, is why his father didn’t do anything about this during his formative years. So, he could see that his mother saw him as a parental figure during this stage of his life and essentially used him but he could struggle to understand why his father didn’t step in and put an end to what was going on.

As a result of this, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded by not only his mother but also by his father. Due to how destructive his mother’s behaviour was, he needed his father to stand up to her and do something about her behaviour.

Abandoned

He might then have been the parent who was more ‘normal;’ and had a greater connection with his humanity but he wouldn’t have supported and protected him. At this point, he could feel betrayed and deeply let down by him.

But, as he is likely to have known better but he won’t have done better, this is to be expected. His mother, on the other hand, is unlikely to have had a good connection to her humanity and, thus, as much as she would have caused him to suffer; it can be put down to her having a personality disorder.

A Closer Look

Now, if he were to think about what is father was like during this stage of his life, he could think about how he wasn’t in his power and lacked backbone. He was then continually mistreated and used by his son’s mother.

As he was a broken man, he wouldn’t have had the strength to stand up for himself, let alone his son and stop his mother from undermining him. This would have made it easier for her to do so much damage.

The Priority

Along with this, one of his father’s main priorities might have been to please his son’s mother. Ergo, if he did stand up for him, he might have feared that he would end up being rejected and abandoned.

From this, it could be said that his father was too caught up with his own needs to be to able to there for him. Still, he could wonder why his father was not in his power.

One Outlook

One way of looking at this would be to say that his father was in his power before he met his mother but that over time, she wore him down. As she was controlling, critical, withheld love and affection, and treated him like dirt, he would have gradually become a shadow of the man that he once was.

His mother might have been drawn to his father because he was wealthy, physically attractive and/or had high status. At this stage, she might have used her charm, humour and perhaps good looks to pull him.

The Next Stage

But, as time passed, her other side, her ‘dark’ side, would have become more prominent, with her becoming a radically different woman. He might have felt ‘lucky’ at one stage and deeply ‘unlucky’ at another.

Over time, would have been worn down and stripped of the confidence and inner strength that he had. He might have also lost some if not all of the friends he had, a lot of money and the sense that he didn’t deserve to be treated badly.

Like A Boiled Frog

And, before he knew it, he would have been mentally and emotionally attached to and had a child or children with a woman who made his life a living nightmare. She would then have devoured him, just as she would have devoured their son.

From this, it could be said that her unconscious priority was to break her son’s father to make sure that he wouldn’t be a threat. Likewise, she did the same thing to her son to make sure that he wouldn’t grow up to be a threat.

A Deep wound

If so, this is likely to show that she had an unresolved wound that related to her own father. Perhaps, along with being emotionally unavailable, her father was very controlling and physically abusive during her early years, which caused her to fear the masculine.

Then again, along with being emotionally unavailable, it might have been that her mother was cold, cruel and physically abusive. Her mother would then have abused her power, which would have caused her to have a deep fear of being dominated and losing herself.

Another Part

To take a step back, what his father went through at the hands of his mother might have been a continuation of how he was treated during his early years. It was then not that his mother broke him; it was that he was already not in a good way.

For many years, his father might have been able to avoid what was going on for him but after he met his son’s mother, this was no longer possible. At this stage of his life, he might have been emotionally neglected and verbally if not physically abused.

Repeating The Past

Assuming that this was the case, it wasn’t that his father consciously chose to abandon him and allow him to be used by his mother; no, it was that he wasn’t in a position to provide him with what he needed. If he had faced and dealt with some if not all of his inner wounds, he might not have even met his mother.

Most likely, his father grew up in an age where there wasn’t much talk of ‘healing inner wounds’ and there wasn’t much help available either. As he has been able to wake up and see clearly and perhaps has started to heal himself, he can be grateful that this has taken place.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk