Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Have Narcissistic Tendencies?

If a man has come to see that he is overly focused on his mother and ignores himself, he can struggle to understand why he is this way. What could be clear is that it doesn’t make any sense for him to be this way.

He could believe that he should be focused on his own life, not focused on his mother. And, as he is a separate human being who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead, this makes complete sense.

Another part

However, although living in this way won’t be serving him, he can find that this is what feels comfortable to a big part of him. Therefore, if he thinks about, let alone lives his own life, he will feel uncomfortable.

He is then going to be a separate being who has his own reason for being here but it will be as though he is merely an extension of his mother. Based on this, he will be here to take care of her needs.

What’s going on?

Now, as confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and pay attention to what took place during his formative years, he might gradually understand why he is this way. So, this may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

If so, this would have meant that she was unable to provide him with the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Consequently, he would have gone through a physical birth but he wouldn’t have experienced an emotional birth.

A Desert

Said another way, his inner self wouldn’t have been able to develop, which would have stopped him from being able to go from a dependent state to an interdependent state. His basic needs such as his need for food, clothing and shelter might have largely been met, though.

What he needed at this key stage of his development was a mother who was generally attentive and could love him. Instead, he had a mother who was generally not responsive and who couldn’t love him.

A Closer Look

In addition to her not being emotionally unavailable and out of reach, it might not have truly occurred to her that he was a separate human being who had his own needs, feelings and, as time passed, life to lead. She might then have seen him as nothing more than an object who was there to serve her and believed that she was entitled to his attention.

If he expressed his needs, he might have typically been punished in some way. So, he might have been ignored, criticised, rejected or abandoned, with this sending him the message that his needs and feelings were bad.

Role Reversal

He was then her son and needed to receive but, he was forced to be more like her parent and had to give. Most likely, his mother was developmentally stunted and this was why she was unable to provide him with what he needed.

Moreover, she was probably out of touch with her true, feeling self and had developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated, false self. She might then have come across as strong and bold, and might have even been charming, funny and charismatic around certain people, but, deep down, she was a greatly deprived and deeply wounded human being.

Ill-Equipped

Due to how disconnected and developmentally stunted she was, she was not in a position to be able to mother her son. To be able to provide her son with what he needed, she needed to be in touch with her feelings and have reached a certain level of development.

The trouble was that thanks to how disordered she was, she was probably oblivious to how wounded she was and the damage that she was doing. She might have seen herself as a ‘good’ mother and consciously and unconsciously blocked out any feedback that proved otherwise.

A Defence

The people who saw a different side of her would have provided her with positive feedback and this would have helped her to maintain the idealised view of herself that she is likely to have had. Not engaging in self-reflection, or very little, would have also been a way for her to keep certain parts of reality and the feelings and thoughts that would undermine her at bay.

If he were able to go back in time and see how his mother was treated when she was very young, he might see that she was also treated as though she was an extension of her mother and perhaps her father. To handle being deprived and wounded, then, she would have gradually lost touch with her humanity and become a very cold and unloving human being.

Moving Forward

Taking this into account, he wasn’t deprived because there was something inherently wrong with him and he was unlovable. No, it was because his mother was a deeply wounded human being who couldn’t provide him with what he needed.

For him to know this at an emotional level, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk