Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Only Give Him What He Needed To Survive?14/3/2025
If a man is focused on his mother and is neglecting himself, it can be hard for the people in his life to understand what is going on. His friends and his girlfriend, if he has one, are then going to be confused.
For them, it could be clear that he is living in the wrong way and needs to focus more on himself. But, if they were to share this with him, they might not be able to make much progress. A Dead End After talking to him about this, he could say that he is doing the right thing and is not ignoring himself, or words to that effect. Or, he could end up criticising them, and making out that they have it all wrong. Either way, it is not going to be possible for them to get through to him. After this, not only will they be confused about how he behaves but they will be confused about why he can’t see what is going on. One Conclusion What might enter their mind is that he is choosing to block out what is right in front of his eyes. While his friends could stay in his life, his girlfriend might end up cutting her ties with him. But, as his behaviour is likely to have a greater impact on her than on his friends, this is not going to be a surprise. She is going to want to be with a man who is available as opposed to a man who she has to share with another woman – his mother. The Catalyst If this were to happen, he could just carry on behaving in the same way, with it being business as usual. Then again, he might end up being greatly affected by what takes place. This can be a time when he will experience a deep sense of loss and could feel very low. Along with this, he could be filled with regret and question why he didn’t do more to keep his relationship going. The Next Stage Assuming that this was to occur, a time may arrive when he starts to explore why he is behaving in this way. With each passing day, he can have a greater sense that he is too caught up with his mother and needs to focus on himself. If he were to imagine living his own life, though, he could experience anxiety and feel guilty and ashamed. Based on this, it will be as if it is not safe for him to change his behaviour and that he would be doing something wrong. Inner Stability Therefore, for him to feel at ease internally, he will need to continue to turn his back on himself. He will then be a separate human being but he will need to act like an extension of his mother to stop himself from being all at sea internally. At this point, he can wonder why he is unable to put himself first and feel settled internally. He will then be an adult but it will be as though he is a powerless and dependent boy who can’t survive without his mother and needs her permission in order to do something. A Strange Scenario As strange as what is going on may appear to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his formative years, he might gradually understand why he is this way. This may have been a time when he missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. The reason for this is that his mother was probably emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, she may have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs. A Rough Time Not receiving the attunement and care that he needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded him. Instead of going through each developmental stage and developing a strong sense of self, he would have stayed in a developmentally stunted state and he wouldn’t have developed a separate sense of self. In other words, his physical and mental self will have grown but his emotional self won’t have. Taking this into account, his mother would have generally given him what he needed to survive but that would have been about it. Why Was This? Most likely, she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and was only given what she needed to survive but not thrive. As a result of this, she was only able to give him what he needed to survive but not thrive. Thus, he wasn’t treated in this way because he was worthless and unlovable; he was treated in this way because he had a mother who was a deeply wounded human being. For him to change his life, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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