Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Stop Him From Breaking Away?

If a man acts like an extension of his mother and is not living his own life, it is likely to show that something is not right. As he is separate from her and has his own needs and life to lead, he shouldn’t be behaving in this way.

One way of looking at this would be to say that he needs to implement boundaries with his mother and live his own life. It could even be said that he needs to “man up” and take control of his life.

One Outlook

Based on this, it will be up to him to get it together and no longer let his life pass him by. Of course, if he doesn’t do this, his life will continue to pass him by and he won’t be able to get this time back.

It is then not about his mother changing as the power will be in his hands to change the direction of his life. If he doesn’t do this, he could be filled with regret and loss in a number of years or when his mother passes on, for instance.

Another Angle

However, while the power will be in his hands, he might not even realise that he is ignoring himself. Therefore, it won’t matter that the power is in his hands, as he will continue to behave in the same way.

This is not to say that he won’t suffer; no, what it means is that he won’t be consciously aware of the suffering that he is going through. His life will then continue to go in the same direction.

A Strange Scenario

He is going to lack self-awareness and this will cause him to be locked into a reality that is not serving him. At this point, it would be easy to see this as a flaw in his character.

Therefore, he will be the one who is lacking what he needs to get his life together. As problematic as his mother will be, then, she won’t be what is really preventing him from being able to move forward.

Stepping Back

But, even though it can seem this way, there is likely to be far more to it. Most likely, he is unconsciously choosing to block out what is going on in order to keep it together and function.

And, there is a strong chance that he has had to block out reality for many, many years. From a very young age, he probably had to block out what was going on and create a false view of reality.

Back In Time

At this stage of his life, his mother was probably emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Consequently, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

To handle the pain that he was in, his brain would have gradually repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. Additionally, his brain would have blocked out what was going on and what his mother was like and he would have blamed himself for how she behaved.

A Defence

Responding in this way would have given him a false sense of control and allowed him to live in the hope, the false hope, that if he did what she wanted, he would finally be loved by her. But, as she was probably unable to love him, it would have mattered what he did.

Yet, if he had faced reality, it would have been too much for his underdeveloped system to cope with and he might have died. So, the years will have passed, but he will be carrying a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs and he will still be trying to be loved by his mother.

Another Element

And, as he was deprived during this time, he wouldn’t have received the support that he needed to freely express himself and to gradually separate from his mother. When he did express himself, he is likely to be punished in some way.

This would have caused him to lose touch with his aggression, disconnect from himself and go into a collapsed emotional state. His mother wouldn’t have been able to provide him with what he needed to grow a strong sense of self but she wouldn’t have wanted him to separate from her either.

A Deeper Look

His mother was probably deeply deprived and greatly wounded during her formative years, which caused her to be developmentally stunted. She would then have looked like an adult but she wouldn’t have moved beyond around three years of age.

She would have needed a parent and, at an unconscious level, she is likely to have seen her son as her parent. He would have been seen as someone who would provide her with the attunement, attention and care that she had missed out on.

One Purpose

Thanks to how needy she was, she wasn’t able to be there for him and would have moulded him into a being who didn’t need much and would always be there for her. Part of this would have involved her making sure that he lost touch with his need to separate from her, which would have kept her fear of being abandoned at bay.

Again, this is likely to have taken place without her being consciously aware of what she was doing and the impact that it was having. Ultimately, she wasn’t in a position to give her son what he needed to be able to grow into a strong and capable man.

Moving Forward

Once a man becomes aware of what is going on and wants to change his life, he is likely to have a lot of inner and outer work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk