Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Stop Him From Growing Into A Man?

If a man’s life revolves around his mother, he is going to be more like an extension of her as opposed to an autonomous human being who has his own life to lead. But, although he will be neglecting himself, he might not be consciously aware of this.

Assuming that this is the case, there will be no reason for him to draw the line and live his own life. The outcome of this is that he will continue to turn his back on himself, causing his life to pass him by.

Taking Its Toll

However, as he is living in a way that is not in alignment with his true self, he will pay a heavy price. For example, he can spend a lot of time feeling down and even suffer from depression.

There is a chance that he is consciously aware of this, but he could believe that this is due to something else entirely. He might believe that he just suffers from depression or that his job is taking a lot out of him.

A Common Theme

In addition to him being used and taken advantage of by his mother, this can be what takes place when he is at work and when he is around his friends. It will then be normal for him to be there for others and not stand up for himself.

If he were to get into a relationship, though, he could end up being told that he is out of balance. This is because his girlfriend, through being on the outside, can see that he is acting more like his mother’s possession than a separate human being who has his own needs and feelings.

No Different

This will be a time when he still feels the need to put his mother first, and he might even feel guilty for being in a relationship. He can have the sense that he is doing something wrong.

Along with this, his mother can do what she can to try to push his girlfriend away, so that she can have his full attention. Before long, due to the guilt and shame that he is experiencing for meeting his need for intimacy by being with a woman, he can end the relationship.

Inner Conflict

If this were to take place, he can end up feeling settled again, but he can be filled with regret and feel helpless and hopeless. He can wonder why he has a compulsive need to be there for his mother and to neglect himself.

What can enter his mind is that he is here to live his own life, not to serve his mother.  Nonetheless, while this is the truth, it won’t be possible for him to freely express himself.

One Angle

He is going to be a capable and interdependent man, but he will feel more like a powerless and dependent boy. As a result of what is going on for him, he is not going to feel as though he can do anything about his life.

If he were told that he is not powerless or dependent and that he has what it takes to change his life, he might not be able to accept this. One way to look at this would be to say that he has been emasculated.

What’s going on?

Most likely, he missed out on what he needed to grow and develop in the right way during his formative years. This is likely to be a time when his mother’s needs were the priority and his own needs were largely overlooked.

Apart from his basic needs being met, then, he would have had to adapt to her and be more like her parent than her son. And when he did express his needs, he is likely to have been punished in some way.

The Message

This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. The connection that he had to his connected true self would have been replaced by a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

He would have also been conditioned to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and come to believe, as he was egocentric, that he was worthless and unlovable. A stage that should have prepared him for the real world would have greatly undermined him.

The Other Side

It can seem strange why his mother would have behaved in this way, but she is also likely to have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. She was then developmentally stunted and disordered, and this stopped her from being able to see her son as a separate human being who had his own needs and feelings and provide him with what he needed.

In the same way a toddler sees their parents and others as part of them, she would have seen him as part of her. She is also likely to have had a strong fear of being abandoned, which she would have kept at bay by conditioning him to be attentive and keeping him close.

Totally Oblivious

To make sure he stayed focused on her and didn’t leave her side, she would have needed to continually punish him whenever he tried to freely express himself.  After doing this for many years, he is likely to have given up.

Ultimately, he would have had too much to lose by expressing himself. Still, this is not to say that his mother consciously chose to stop him from going from a powerless and dependent boy to a powerful and interdependent man, as she was likely to have been unaware of the impact that her behaviour was having.

Moving Forward

For a man to gradually change his life, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk