Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Unconsciously Make Him Into The Parent She Never Had?

For a little while now, a man may have been able to see that he is overly focused on his mother. What can be clear is that, thanks to how focused he is on her needs, he doesn’t have much of a life himself.

So, he might have a job that is or isn’t fulfilling, might or might not have a few close friends, and may or may not look after his physical health. However, regardless of this, he might not be in an intimate relationship.

The Central Theme

Furthermore, what can be normal is for him to feel drained, and he might have moments when he feels exhausted. Along with this, he can spend a lot of time feeling frustrated, angry and even enraged.

Yet, based on how he is living his life, it is to be expected that he would seldom, if ever, feel fulfilled and as though his life is going in the right direction. For this to change, he is naturally going to need to be less focused on his mother's ​needs and more focused on his own.

A Hurdle

But while this is what will need to take place, he may find that he is unable to simply change his behaviour. The mere thought of doing so could cause him to feel anxious and as though he would be doing something wrong.

If so, he can wonder why he has this experience when he thinks about living his own life. What can enter his mind is that it is as if she is his child and he is her parent, which is why he feels the way that he does.

What’s going on?

Nonetheless, as confusing as this is likely to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of his life when his mother needed him to be there for her.

Assuming that this was the case, she would have probably taken care of his basic needs, such as his need for food, shelter and clothing, but that would have largely been as far as it went. Therefore, his need for an attuned, caring, affectionate and supportive mother would have seldom, if ever, been met.

His Purpose

Furthermore, his mother would have looked to him to meet some of her needs. For example, she might have looked toward him to soothe her when her emotions were out of control and make her feel better when she felt low.

And when he expressed his needs, he is likely to have been ignored, criticised, rejected and even abandoned. A stage of his life, then, when he needed to receive, in order to grow and develop in the right way, would have been a time when he missed out on what he needed and had to give.

The Outcome

To handle missing out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his connected, embodied, and fully feeling true self.

This connection would have been replaced by a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self. He would have also come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that he was responsible for his mother.

The Other Side

When it comes to why his mother treated him in this way, it is likely to be because she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. She probably had to be there for her mother and/or father.

This would have also caused her to lose touch with her connected, embodied and fully feeling true self, with her creating a disconnected, disembodied, not fully feeling and perhaps inflated false self. The years would then have passed, and while her physical and mental self would have grown, she would have stayed in an emotionally underdeveloped state.

His Role

When she had him, her son, at a deeper, emotional level, he would have been seen as a being who could give her what she missed out on as a child. He would then have been her son, but he would have represented something else.

Unlike her mother and/or father, who didn’t provide her with the love that she needed and often neglected her, he would have been seen as someone who would love and never leave her. Her conscious mind would then have seen him in one way, but her unconscious mind would have seen him in a very different way.

No choice

And, as he was powerless and dependent during this stage, he had no other choice but to become who she needed him to be. He would have hoped that if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him.

But as she hadn’t received what she needed as a child and hadn’t resolved any of her wounds, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Still, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to block out what was going on internally and externally and release tension, and thereby, keep it together and function.

Moving Forward

Taking this into account, thanks to how underdeveloped his mother was, a role reversal took place. Most likely, this reversal, where the parent becomes the child and the child has to become the parent, has been going on for generations.

What took place was then not personal. For him to gradually reconnect to himself, feel comfortable with his needs and feelings, activate his inner sense of worth and lovability, and implement boundaries with his mother, he will have a number of steps to take.

There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change their life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk