Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Believe That His Mother's Needs Are More Important?

Even though a man has planned to do something, it doesn’t mean that he will actually do it. Now, this could be because he will lose interest, but it could also be because his mother wants him to do something for her.

Assuming that it is due to the latter, this might not be the first time that this has taken place. It might not have simply taken place a few times before, though; this could be a normal part of his life.

A Strange Scenario

He can then be used to putting his own needs to one side and being there for her. But this can be something that is so normal that he is not consciously aware of the fact that he is neglecting himself.

However, if he is not aware of this, he is still going to pay a price for living in this way. He can spend a lot of time feeling drained and down, and it might often be difficult for him to get up each morning.

A Catalyst

The signs will then be there, but he won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. What may allow him to gradually see clearly is if he were to get into a relationship.

The reason for this is that the woman he is with could soon become aware of what is going on and point this out to him. But even though what she says will reflect reality, it doesn’t mean that he will accept what she says straight away.

One Experience

So, he can dismiss what she says or ignore it and try to change the subject. What this is likely to show is that he has defences in place that are there to allow him to keep it together and function.

If he were to face up to what is going on, it would probably cause him to come into contact with painful inner material. It is for this reason that it can take a while before he is able to see clearly.

The next Stage

So, assuming that he is able to see how focused he is on his mother’s needs, and how he typically ignores a number of his own, he can wonder why this is. What he might see after this is that he believes that his mother’s needs matter, but his don’t.

He might also see that if he doesn’t focus on and meet her needs, he feels very uncomfortable. After coming to see this, what might enter his mind is that there is something inherently wrong with him.

A Closer Look

But as confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might start to make sense. This may have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

His mother may have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have looked toward him to meet some of her needs.

The outcome

A stage of his life, then, when he needed an attuned mother who adapted to him, was a stage when he had to attune to and adapt to her. This would have caused him to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed.

To handle not having a number of his needs met and the pain that this caused him, his brain would have repressed these needs and how he felt. This would have also involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

No other Choice

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that he was responsible for his mother.

If he didn’t focus on and meet her needs, he was likely to have been ignored, rejected and even abandoned. He then had no other choice but to act as an extension of her, as he was powerless and dependent.

It’s over

This stage of his life will now be over, of course, but due to how he had to adapt to survive, he won’t know, at the core of his being, that he no longer needs to be there for her to be able to exist. As an adult, he can implement boundaries and decide what he will or won’t do for her.

Moving Forward

For him to change his life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk