After getting into a relationship, a man may have started to see that he is not truly living his own life. What could have entered his conscious awareness is that his life is secondary to his mother’s.
This will mean that a number of his needs will be overlooked and it won’t matter how he feels. This could show that this is the first relationship that he has been in; then again, there could be more to it.
A Different Scenario
If he has been in at least one other relationship, it could mean this was a relationship that wasn’t very serious. As a result of this, it didn’t matter that he was neglecting himself.
It would not have been necessary for him to share much of his life with the woman and the woman won’t have wanted him to share much of it either. He was then able to be this way without it disrupting this area of his life.
A Big Difference
Now that he is in a relationship that is far more serious, he will be able to see that due to how focused he is on his mother, it is undermining both his own life and his ability to fully commit to a woman. He could see that this is how he has been for as long as he can remember.
Still, while he will be this way, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to draw the line and to start putting himself first. Even though he will be aware of what is going on, he could feel compelled to behave in the same way,
When he is around her, he is likely to find that he loses touch with himself and acts in a certain way. He could come across as though nothing is bothering him and that he is happy to be there for her.
As for his mother, it might not occur to her that her son is neglecting himself and thus, there will be no reason for her to suggest that he changes his behaviour. Deep down, she could believe that she is entitled to his time and attention.
The Next Phase
After this, he could feel deeply frustrated and even depressed; he could wonder why he simply can’t stand his ground and express himself around her. This can be a time when he will feel hopeless and helpless.
It then won’t matter that he is an adult who has choices, as he will feel like a powerless child. At this point, he may find that he is waiting for his mother’s permission so that he can reveal himself and live his own life.
A Strange Scenario
So, when he is around his mother, he will lose himself and play a role that he is unable to liberate himself from. In a way, it will be as if something else takes over and he loses his free will.
It is then to be expected that he will feel hopeless and helpless and believe that he has no control over what is going on. To find out what is going on, it will be a good idea for him to look deeper.
If he was to imagine being around his mother and revealing himself, he could end up feeling very uncomfortable. He could find that this is a time when he feels as if he is going to be rejected and abandoned.
What this will illustrate is that if he does fully show up, he will believe that he will be left and his life will come to an end. With this in mind, it is not going to be much of a surprise that his life revolves around his mother and he hides his true self around her.
What is going on?
Upon realising this, he could be baffled as to why he is this way and be unsure about what he is going to do to move forward. What this is likely to show is that his developmental years were a time when he missed out on the nutrients that he needed in order to grow and develop in the right way.
This may have been a time when his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. Therefore, this was a time when she wasn’t able to truly be there for him and this would have greatly wounded him
Instead of being able to go through each developmental stage, he would have ended up being developmentally stuck. Not only this, he would have experienced a lot of pain by being deprived of what he needed.
This pain would have automatically been repressed by his brain and he would have gone into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state. Losing touch with himself and developing a false self would have allowed him to handle this stage of his life.
What took place will be over but as he is still carrying most if not all the pain that he experienced during his developmental years, he won’t know this at the core of his being. To a big part of him, he will still need to please his mother to be able to survive.
For this to change, he will probably need to face and work through the pain that he is carrying. What this will do is allow him to gradually move through each developmental stage and for his survival to no longer be attached to his mother.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.