What will be clear is that, if a man is caught up in his mother’s life, he won’t be able to be there for himself. He will be acting more than an extension of her than a separate human being.
From the outside, it can seem as though he is simply giving and is not receiving anything in return. However, although it can seem as if he is not benefitting from behaving in this way, this is unlikely to be the case. Avoidance If he stopped focusing on her needs, he is likely to feel very uncomfortable and soon have the need to be there for her. Being there for her is then going to stop him from being able to live his own life but it will also serve as a defence against pain. This can be a time when he will feel anxious and even fearful. But, if he were to go beyond what is taking place on this level, he can find that he feels rejected and abandoned. An Inner Emptiness What this will illustrate is that although he will be a whole human being, he won’t feel like one deep down. Instead, he will have the sense that he is missing something and this is why he will need to be caught up with his mother. Being there for her will stop him from having to be with himself and feel these painful feelings. If, then, he didn’t feel this way, he would be able to act like an individual and implement boundaries with his mother. Developmentally Stunted So, he will look whole and complete but he won’t feel whole and complete. This is why he will be a man who still needs his mother as he will be in an emotionally dependent state. Deep down, he is likely to believe that if he does what she wants, she will give him what he needs to feel whole and complete. This is likely to be something that he has believed since he was a child. Totally Unaware Yet, if he is not aware of how out of balance he is and this was pointed out, he could deny that this is what is taking place. He could, for example, say that he wants to behave in this way and that he is behaving in the right way. If so, he won’t be consciously choosing to be this way; it’s that his brain will be stopping him from facing reality. It will be doing this to allow him to keep it together and function, not to undermine him. The Catalyst This is why, for him to see cleverly, something fairly stressful might need to occur. What this can do is undermine his defences and allow him to gradually face up to how out of balance he is. After a breakup, the loss of a loved one or a serious illness, for instance, he can start to see that he is ignoring himself and is overly focused on his mother. There can still be moments when he goes into denial and can’t face reality. Seeing Clearly Once he is able to see what is going on and how he is looking toward his mother to allow him to feel whole and complete, he can wonder what is going on. He might soon see that as she is so caught up with her own needs, she is unable to acknowledge his existence and accept that he has his own needs. But, even if she was able to see him and accept that he is a separate being, it will be too late for her to give him what he needs to feel whole and complete. It was only possible for this to take place during his formative years. Back in Time In all likelihood, how his mother behaves now that he is an adult is very similar to how she behaved when he was a child. This would then have been a time when she was generally unable to attune to his emotional needs and provide him with the care that she needed. Due to how underdeveloped she was likely to have been, she would have looked to him to be there for her. The outcome of this is that he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Generational Deprivation An underdeveloped mother would then have produced an underdeveloped son. He wouldn’t have been able to go from being emotionally dependent to being emotionally interdependent; he would have stayed stuck at this stage of his development. This is why he will still be looking toward his mother to give him the attunement and care that he needed as a child to be whole and complete. At this stage of his life, he would have had to repress how he felt and a number of his developmental needs and lived in the hope, the false hope, that if he did what she wanted, he would be loved by her. Moving Forward But, as it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on as this stage of his development has passed, it wouldn’t matter if his mother was to suddenly become very attentive and loving. For him to no longer look for what he missed out on and to move out of an emotionally dependent state, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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