If a man was to come to see that he is in a position where he is overly preoccupied with his mother’s needs, he is like to wonder what is going on. He could also see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember.
This will also mean that he is unlikely to have much of a life himself but, if so much of his time and energy has been directed towards his mother, this is to be expected. Naturally, in order for him to have a fulfilling life, he will need to focus on his own life.
Still, even though he will be able to see what is going on, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour. Merely thinking about doing so could cause him to feel deeply uncomfortable.
This could be a time when he will feel anxious, fearful and have a strong need to be there for his mother. At this point, it could be as if he has no control over how he behaves and that his mother is in control of him.
Back To Normal
Before long, his mother could call or message him and he could soon be doing something for her. Through realising that he is not taking care of his own needs, this could be a time when he will feel angry and frustrated.
Before he was aware of what was going on, he might have just behaved in this way without acknowledging how he actually feels. Due to this, he might have just felt very low and even depressed and not known what was going on.
The Other Side
As for his mother, she might simply expect him to be there for her and to do things for her. So, regardless of what is going on in his life and the responsibilities that he has, she will believe that she comes first.
If this is the case, she is not going to feel guilty about using her son or encourage him to live his own life. If he was to say no to her and to make it clear that he is an individual, she could end up trying to make him feel guilty and even verbally abuse him.
On one side, he won’t want to continue to behave in this way but, on the other, behaving in this way is going to stop him from coming into contact with a lot of painful inner material. Therefore, as bad it is will be for him to experience life in this way, changing his behaviour will be seen as being even worse.
He will then be an individual but he won’t feel like an individual; it will be as though he is part of his mother. If he doesn’t make her the centre of his life and do what she wants, he will feel like his life will come to an end.
A Natural Outcome
As his very survival is attached to this mother, it is to be expected that he will behave in this way. In his eyes, he will have two options: to focus on his mother and survive or to focus on his own life and for his life will come to an end.
Being there for his mother will then be a way for him to ensure his survival as opposed to something that he is consciously choosing to do. He could soon question why his survival is attached to his mother and why he doesn’t feel like an individual.
Before long, he could end up criticising himself, believing that he just needs to get it together. He could say that he is no longer a boy, so she should be able to stand up for and support himself.
However, if this was to take place, it is unlikely that it would serve him; if anything, it would just make his life even worse. The reason for this is that it is highly unlikely that he has chosen to be this way
What’s going on?
When it comes to why he is in this position, it is most likely due to what took place when he was a powerless and totally dependent infant and after this, when he was a toddler and child. During this stage of his life, he most likely didn’t receive the nutrients that he needed to be able to grow and develop - to go from a dependent to an interdependent adult.
Thus, he would have been born in an empty state, he wouldn’t have felt whole and complete when he was born and, as his needs were rarely if ever met, he wouldn’t have been able to grow out of it. As an adult, he will be emotionally empty and he will carry the pain of not having had his developmental needs met on a regular basis.
His mother, along with this father as time went by that’s if he was around, would have been more concerned with fulfilling their own needs. At the beginning of his life, he is likely to have been forced to adapt to her, being fed and held, for instance, when it was right for her.
As the years went by, he is likely to have been prevented from breaking away as this would have unlocked his mother’s fear of being abandoned. Once again, it wouldn’t have mattered what he needed as her needs would have taken precedence.
A Brutal Time
Ultimately, this stage of his life would have been been very traumatic and he would have been deprived of the love that he needed. If he was born whole and complete and fully developed, he wouldn’t have needed to receive the right nutrients.
Taking this into account, how he is experiencing life as an adult is perfectly normal given what he went through during his formative years. As a result of what he went through, he will be in an underdeveloped state and he will be loaded with emotional pain that will need to be worked through.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.