If a man is overly focused on his mother’s needs and ignores most of his own needs, he is going to be very loyal to his mother. However, although being loyal is often seen as being a good thing, behaving in this way is not going to be serving him.
Even so, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. At this point, it might be hard for someone to get their head around how a man in this position wouldn’t realise that how he is behaving is not serving them.
From the outside, it will be clear that behaving in this way is causing him to deprive himself of what he needs. And, if he is not in a good way, this is something that will stand out.
He won’t be living his own life and he won’t be able to get the time that is being lost back. Ultimately, his life will be passing him by and the longer this goes on, the less time he will have left to live his own life.
A Different View
At the same time, there can be a number of people in his life, including his mother, who believes that he is doing the right thing. For example, they could often tell him that he is a good man for being there for his mother.
Receiving this feedback can have a positive effect on him and strengthen his view that he is living the right way. As for his mother, pleasing her is also likely to have a big effect on him.
A Strange Scenario
The fact that he is unable to see how destructive his behaviour is is likely to show that he doesn’t have much of a relationship with himself. In general, he is likely to be focused on what is going on externally and oblivious to what is going on internally.
So, as he is overly focused on his mother, it is likely to show that her needs and feelings have replaced his own. Instead of what is going on inside him directing his life, then, what is going on for his mother will direct his life.
Another part of her
This will mean that he will physically be an individual but that will be as far as it will go. It will be as though he is part of his mother’s body; a part that is not connected to her physically but is connected to her mentally and emotionally.
This is why it won’t occur to him that he is living in the wrong way and needs to start focusing on his own needs and life. Also, as he is caught up in his mother’s reality and out of touch with himself, he won’t be aware of the signs that show he is living in the wrong way.
If he had a good relationship with himself, he would be able to see that he is living in a way that is not serving him. There would be feelings, thoughts and sensations that would make it clear that he needs to change how he is living.
Now, as this feedback is being overlooked, there could come a time when he will be forced to face reality. He could end up going through something that will shake him up and he might end up gradually changing after this point.
If he was to have an awakening of sorts, he could see that behaving in this way is not serving him. He could see that he is so focused on his mother that he is completely overlooking himself.
Moreover, what could stand out is that he needs to start being loyal to himself and less loyal to his mother. He might see that if he continues to behave in this way, not only will he be wasting his life but he could experience an early death.
Upon seeing this, he might wonder why, for so long, he has been behaving in a way that is harming him. Yet, even though he will see how destructive this is and want to change, he could still feel compelled to be there for his mother and neglect himself.
Under his need to be loyal to his mother is likely to be the fear that he will die if he implements boundaries with her and lives his own life. What this is likely to show is that his early years were not very nurturing.
During his developmental years, he is likely to have been deprived of the nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. His mother may have seen him as an extension of herself, which would have caused her to use him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
When he tried to express himself and assert his independence as time went by, he is likely to have been punished and disapproved of and rejected and abandoned. His survival was attached to his mother from the moment he was born and, as he missed out on what he needed and was deeply traumatised throughout this period of his life, it would have stayed attached to her and he wouldn’t have been able to go through each developmental stage.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.