Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Need To Grieve The Mother He Never Had?

If a man’s life revolves around meeting his mother’s needs, he is going to be neglecting himself. However, although this is so, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this.

Instead, if he does think about how he behaves, he can believe that he is doing the right thing and even feel proud. Also, some of the people in his life could say, in one way or another, that he is living in the right way.

A Closed System

Thanks to what is going on for him internally and externally, there is going to be no reason for him to see clearly. The information inside him that is there to let him know that he is out of balance will be kept at bay.

So, what is going on for him at a conscious level, and the feedback that he receives from others will serve as a defence. If, then, what is going on internally or externally was to change, what is going on for him at a deeper level could start to arise.

A Catalyst

He could, for example, start dating a woman, and she could soon realise that he is overly focused on his mother. As a result, she could say that due to how focused he is on his mother, he is neglecting himself.

At first, he might deny what she says and make out that she is just being critical, for instance. Yet, if he does behave in this way, he might end up reflecting on what she has said.

The next phase

If so, he could end up coming into contact with a lot of frustration and anger. He can see that he is fed up with being so focused on his mother and wants to start putting himself first.

What this will show is that the feedback he has received and what he has thought about has unlocked some of the feelings that he has experienced for a long time but not been aware of. This will then be the start of him developing a better connection with himself.

Stage two

After this, he can think about how he needs to speak to his mother about what is going on for him. If he were to speak to her, he could talk about how he doesn’t have the time or energy to do as much for her.

His mother can then be understanding and say that he needs to live his own life, or words to that effect. Then again, she could ignore what he says or say that he should be there for her as she’s his mother or something similar.

A Brick Wall

If the former takes place, it will be clear that she is able to put herself in his shoes and doesn’t see him as an extension of herself. Having her validation and support is likely to make it easier for him to live his own life.

Yet, if the latter takes place, it will be clear that she is not able to put herself in his shoes or see that he is a separate human being. Not having her validation and support is likely to make it harder for him to live his own life.

A hurdle

Assuming that the latter takes place, he might not be able to accept what his mother is like and could believe that she will change. Nonetheless, the weeks, months and even years could pass, and he could still be in the same position.

Intellectually, he might see that she will never change, but at an emotional level, he can have the need to be seen and heard by her. This need is then going to be what will cause him to continually struggle for her validation, support and love.

The Same pattern

It might seem strange why he can’t just accept what she is like and move on with his life but if his early years were taken into account, it might gradually make sense. This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

The reason for this is that he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed, and been forced to meet a number of his mother's needs. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Where it started

Still, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, he would be loved by her. But, as she wasn’t able to provide him with what he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did.

Nonetheless, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that stopped him from having to face how he felt and see what his mother was actually like. And, as he was powerless and totally dependent on his mother, he was not in a position to face how he felt or see what his mother was like.

A key process

With this in mind, his struggle to be loved by his mother will have been taking place since his formative years. At this stage, his mother couldn’t give him what he needed and now that he is an adult, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on.

So, even if she was attuned and caring, it wouldn’t make up for what he missed out on all those years ago. For him to gradually let go of his need to be loved by her and freely express himself, he will need to grieve the mother that he needed but never had.

This will involve him facing and crying out the pain that he wasn’t able to fully experience early on and had to repress. There will also be unmet developmental needs for him to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk