If a woman is in a relationship with a man who is enmeshed with his mother, she can be incredibly frustrated and fed up. Perhaps she has been with the man for a number of months.
Then again, she may have been with him for a number of years. Either way, she is likely to have a strong need for this area of her life to change, and this could be seen as something that is dependent on the man changing his behaviour.
It’s in His Hands
If she is in this position, she will naturally have a strong need for her partner to change. Once this takes place, she will be able to feel better and she will be in a relationship with a man who is available.
However, if he is in denial about the fact that he is too caught up with his mother, this is not something that will take place at this point in time. Of course, first, he will need to face up to what is going on.
Due to how long he has been this way, though, she might not be able to put up with what is going on for much longer. To say she will be in a desperate position could be an understatement.
As opposed to being in a relationship that is having a positive effect on her, she will be in one that is greatly undermining her. Consequently, she may soon arrive at the point where she is ready to cut her ties with him and walk away.
When she thinks about how he has behaved and continues to behave, she could believe that he just needs to grow up. He will look like a man; the issue is that he won’t act like one.
From the outside, thanks to how he often behaves, he may create the impression that he is very mature. The reason for this is that by being there for his mother, he will appear to be very responsible and selfless.
Behind The Scenes
There will be this side and, then, there is going to be a very different side of him that shows up in his relationship. He can typically be passive, lacking the ability to stand up for himself.
This will play a big part in why he is unable to implement boundaries with his mother and to live his own life. Along with this, he can generally express his anger in a very passive way.
Based on how he behaves, it is clear that he does need to grow up; to act like the man that he is, not the boy that he once was. He will be an individual and he won’t need his mother anymore, so it will be essential for him to draw the line.
He is now free to express himself directly and make it clear when he doesn’t want to do something. He doesn’t need to swallow his words and for his anger and frustration to come out sideways, via passive-aggressive behaviour and by being depressed.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that although he does need to grow up, this is not something that will take place through force. It is unlikely to just be a case of him changing his behaviour.
If he was to become aware of what is going on and wanted to change, purely relying on his willpower probably wouldn’t get him very far. He might be able to make a few changes but before long, he is likely to revert to how he was before.
A Closer Look
When it comes to why he is the way that he is, it is likely to be the result of what took place during his early years and the impact that this had on him. As his mother probably used him to meet her adult and unmet childhood needs, he wouldn’t have received what he needed to grow and develop.
He had to be there for her, hence why he is still there for her now, and if he wasn’t, he would have most likely been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. Even so, he would have still been physically abandoned and his true self was certainly abandoned, which means that he was emotionally abandoned.
Now that he is an adult, he will be in a developmentally stunted state and he will carry a lot of pain. His emotional self will need to grow in order for him to grow, and solely changing what is taking place at a mental level and altering his behaviour won’t allow this to take place.
The pain that he experienced as a boy and had to repress will need to be faced and worked through. He is likely to have many, many layers of pain inside his body and it is likely to take a while for him to work through it.
This could be something that he will do for the rest of his life but that doesn’t mean that he won’t change as the days, weeks, months and years pass. The main point is that emotional growth takes time.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.