In order for a man to deal with an issue that he has, he will need to be aware of the issue; naturally, if he is not aware of it, it won’t be possible for him to do anything about it. The first step, then, if a man is emotionally entangled with his mother, will be for him to realise that this is so.
Becoming aware of this won’t change his life per se, but what it will do is allow him to do something about it. Thus, unless this takes place, he will continue to think, feel and to behave in the same way.
Until this takes place, it will most likely be normal for him to put his mother first and to focus on her life. And, if he is not doing things for her, he could spend a lot of time thinking about her and worrying about if she is ok.
Most, if not all, of his time and energy, will be spent on his mother, leaving him deprived of what he needs to build up his own life. If both he and his mother were plants, he might look as though he is about to die whilst his mother could look full of life.
But, as he is neglecting his own life and doing so much for his mother, it is to be expected that his own life would be undermined. For him to create a life that is deeply meaningful, he will need to put more of his energy into it.
Not only will his mother have her own life force, but she will have most of his, so she should be doing fine. Still, that is not to say that she will typically be full of life and happy as she could often be down and unhappy.
A Miserable Existence
His career might not be going well, that’s if he has one and his relationships could also be a mess. He might rarely take the time to eat properly or exercise, either, meaning that he will be harming himself.
Even so, his mother might be oblivious to the fact that he is neglecting himself, and therefore, she won’t encourage him to focus on his own needs. If this was to take place, it would give him the push that he needs to change his life.
The Past Repeats Itself
Ultimately, his mother is likely to see him as an extension of herself, which is why she would have used him to fulfil some of her needs when he was a boy and why she continues to use him as an adult. At this stage of his life, she would have been in an undeveloped state and this will continue to be the case.
It is then not that she has something against him and wants to hold him back; it is that she is developmentally stunted and unconsciously sees him as the caregiver that she never had. She is unable to truly see him as an individual and to recognise that he is her son, not her parent.
As he is unlikely to be encouraged to live his own life by his mother, something else will be needed to “wake him up”. This is something that could take place if he was to start a relationship.
The woman he is with could soon notice that he is overly focused on his mother and she could end up speaking to him about this. After hearing this, he could end up thinking about what has been said and, before long; he might feel the call to do something about it.
A Few Outcomes
It could be said that this will be the ideal, as the man will be willing to look objectively at what is going on and this will allow him to gradually move forward. Also, his relationship with his partner is likely to improve.
At this point, he could experience a number of different emotions and he could wonder how he is going to change his life. Yet, although he will have a lot to deal with, he will be aware of what is going on.
In the Driver’s Seat
Being aware of what is going on won't change his life but if he wasn’t aware he would continue to do the same thing. Ergo, while there is a lot of work to be done, he can be grateful that he is no longer asleep.
When he thinks about paying more attention to his own needs and spending less time focusing on and taking care of his mothers needs, so implementing boundaries, he could end up feeling guilty and ashamed, and even experience fear and panic. As his mother used him to fulfil her needs and he didn’t receive the nurturing that he needed to emotionally separate from her, he is likely to feel ashamed of his needs and himself and his survival will probably still be attached to her.
A New Outlook
How he feels when he thinks about putting himself first is not a sign that what he wants to do is wrong; it is simply a consequence of what took place very early. What took place at this stage of his life was dysfunctional.
These early experiences would have set him up to believe that he was responsible for his mother; to see her as more like a child than a parent who was there for him. This is why it will be essential for him to think about how he sees his mother and to keep in mind that she is not his daughter, she is his mother.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.