Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man's Mother Not Realise Her Son Has A Self/Soul?

If a man, who is caught up in his mother’s world, were to reflect on how he lives his life, he could see that it’s as though he is nothing more than an extension of his mother. He could see that he spends a lot of time doing things for her and very little time, in comparison, doing things for himself.

Therefore, if he is not at work, he can often be doing things for her or listening to her talk about her problems, for instance. Naturally, this is going to cause him to neglect himself.

The next stage

After thinking about this, he could have the need to talk to his mother about what is going on for him and to let her know that he can’t do as much for her. If he were to do this, this could be a time when she would listen to what he has to say and be understanding and supportive.

She could say that she does expect a lot from him and that he needs to live his own life, or words to that effect. What this is likely to illustrate is that his mother has a certain level of self-awareness and is willing to put herself in his shoes.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, he could talk to his mother, but while she might listen to what he has to say, she might not be understanding or supportive. Based on how she responds, it can be as though he is responsible for her needs and has no right to live his own life.

So, she could say that, as she is his mother, he should be there for her and end up criticising him, or something similar could occur. What this is likely to show is that she doesn’t have a certain level of self-awareness and is not willing to put herself in his shows.

Stepping Back

Assuming that the latter takes place, he can feel angry and confused, and he might even wonder if he is in the wrong thing for wanting to live his own life. He can believe that this mother should be on his side, as opposed to behaving like she is his enemy.

What might soon enter his mind is that it is as if his mother is unable to see that he is separate from her and has his own self or soul. Therefore, as she sees him as her possession and thus owns him, it makes sense that she wouldn’t be able to accept that he has his own feelings, needs and life to lead.

An Analogy

It is then going to be as though he is caregiving robot that she brought from a shop, and his purpose is to focus on and meet her needs. As a result of this, it is to be expected that she would react negatively, as he wants to be less focused on her and more focused on himself.

This caregiving robot, unlike a human being, won’t have a self or a soul; it will simply have hardware and software. However, unlike this robot, he won’t just be an empty vessel that is simply here to be programmed by others and doesn’t have its own purpose.

What’s going on?

After thinking about this, what can enter his mind is, if he isn’t his mother’s possession, why does he feel like he is. Also, he can wonder why his mother is unable to accept that he is not her possession and has his own self or soul and life to lead.

Nonetheless, as confusing as this is, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might gradually find out why he is this way. This is because this is likely to have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Back in Time

From a very young age, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. And as time passed, he was likely to have been forced to meet a number of his mother's needs.

To handle not having a number of his needs met and the pain that this caused him, he would have lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. Also, as he was egocentric, he would have also believed that he was bad and his mother was good, and lived in the hope that, by becoming who his mother wanted and behaving in a certain way, he would be loved by her.

It was Futile

But, as his mother most likely wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or how he behaved. Still, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to keep it together and function.

The reason why his mother couldn’t love him was probably because she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. She would then have been in a developmentally stunted state.

Going Deeper

She probably hadn’t grown beyond the toddler stage of her development, which is why she wouldn’t have realised that he was separate from her and wasn’t her possession. By seeing him in this way, there wouldn’t have been a need for her to respect his boundaries.

Furthermore, there would have been no reason for her to see him as a being who had his own self or soul. In other words, in her eyes, he would have come from her, not through her, and will just be a part of her, and this is why he will be here to serve her.

Moving Forward

With this understanding in place, it makes perfect sense why she would have used him as a child and expects to use him now that he is an adult. If her parents had been there for her, or she had faced and dealt with a lot of the pain that she experienced, she would probably be different.

But, as she is estranged from her true self and is not aware of how destructive her behaviour is, she is unlikely to ever change. With all this in mind, for him to reconnect to his true self and own himself, and to implement boundaries with his mother and accept what she is like, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk