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If a man is not at work, it doesn’t mean that he will focus on his own needs. Instead, he can typically be doing things for his mother and overlooking his own needs.
So, he could be taking her somewhere, buying things for her, doing a job for her, or listening to her problems, for instance. And, once he has done one thing for her, he might do another thing for her. Another Part When she asks him to do something for her, she might not ask him if he is busy and has other plans; she can just expect him to be there for her. And, if he does say that he is busy, she could end up criticising him or going silent. As a result, he could end up feeling guilty and ashamed and feel compelled to be there for her. The outcome of this is that he can go and see her or do what she wants him to do. Self-Absorbed From this, what will be clear is that it doesn’t occur to her that he has his own needs and life to lead. Or, if it does, she won’t care that he has his own needs and life to lead. She will be so focused on her own needs that what is going on for her son won’t matter to her. His needs are then going to get in the way of her needs and will just be a nuisance. Her outlook Based on how she behaves, it could be said that she sees her son as an object that is there to focus on and meet her needs. Like an appliance, then, that she has brought to do a job, he will be there to do a job. If he doesn’t play the role that has been assigned to him by his mother, he will be like an appliance that is not doing what it was bought to do. It is then to be expected that she would react strongly if he asserts himself and acts like an individual. Caught Up However, thanks to how long his life has been this way, he might not realise that his mother has dehumanised him and sees him as nothing more than an object. It then won’t occur to him that, in her eyes, his value is based on what he does for her and perhaps on how he makes her look. Instead of being aware of the fact that he is being used by someone who should value him, behaving in this way will feel comfortable, and he will feel bad if he doesn’t do what she wants. It then won’t be that she is in the wrong for treating him in this way; no, it is that he would be in the wrong for not behaving in this way. A Bizarre Situation What is clear is that the sooner he wakes up and sees clearly, the sooner he will be able to reclaim his humanity and live his own life. For him to be able to step back and reflect on his life, something dramatic might need to take place. For example, he might need to experience a breakup, a loss, a serious illness or lose his job. If something like this were to occur, he could start to wonder why he not only acts like an extension of his mother, but why his mother treats him in this way. A Closer Look If he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might gradually understand why he is behaving in this way. The reason for this is that his mother is unlikely to have provided him with the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Not only this, but she is likely to have forced him to adapt to her needs and be there for her. This would have stopped him from going from an emotionally dependent state and developing a separate sense of self. The outcome He would have stayed in a developmentally stunted state, which would have meant that he continued to have the sense that he was an extension of his mother. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, he would have lost touch with his connected and feeling true self and developed a disconnected, unfeeling and outer-directed, false self. Many will have passed since this stage of his life, of course, but, as he is in an undeveloped and disconnected state, he will behave in the same way as he had to behave early on. He also won’t have a felt sense of his own worth and lovability, as his mother didn’t mirror this back. Resistance If he did express himself early on, he is likely to have been disapproved of and punished in some way. So when he tries to express himself now, he will come into contact with the guilt that he was conditioned to experience whenever he expressed himself early on. And if he were left during the time, anxiety and fear would arise, as not doing what his mother wants would have been associated with something that would cause him to die. Taking all this into account, it makes sense why he can’t just live his own life. The other Side When it comes to why his mother was unable to see him as an individual who was inherent worth and lovability, it is likely to be due to what her early years were like and the impact it had on her. This is likely to have been a time when she was also seen as an extension of her mother and perhaps he father, and was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Consequently, this would have stopped her from growing beyond the toddler stage of her development, with this being a time when she saw others as an extension of herself. To handle what happened, she would have lost touch with her connected and feeling true self and developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self. It Continues She would then have unconsciously seen him as the mother that she needed but didn’t have, and expected him to meet her needs. And now that he is an adult, she will continue to see him in the same way. Additionally, as a child, she would have been entitled to her mother’s attunement and care, but it wouldn’t have been safe for her to express her anger and rage when she didn’t receive it. As she sees her son as her mother, she will not only feel entitled to his attention and care, but she will express the anger and rage that she had to deny as a child when he doesn’t do as she wants. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for him to gradually liberate himself and live his own life, he will have conditioning to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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