Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Self-Image Need To Die?

If a man is in a position where he acts like an extension of his mother, it is going to be normal for him to neglect himself. So, to say that he will live a life that is not very fulfilling will be an understatement.

Naturally, for this to change, he will need to be less focused on his mother's needs and more focused on his own. Additionally, he will need to start meeting the needs that he has been ignoring.

A Big Hurdle

However, although this is what will need to take place, a man in this position might not be aware of what is going on. If this is the case, he will be living a miserable life, but he won’t realise why this is.

Therefore, as bleak as his life will be, it will continue to go in the same direction. As a result of what is going on for him, the sooner he becomes aware of what is going on, the better.

Resistance

If he were to gradually become aware of what is going on, it doesn’t mean that he would do something about it. What he could soon find is that even though living in this way is soul-destroying, he has the need to behave in the same way.

He could find that when he thinks about changing his behaviour, he experiences guilt and fear and anxiety. He would then be doing what is right for him, but it will be as if he is doing something wrong, and his survival is under threat.

Stepping Back

Now, if he were to think about how he sees himself, what he may find is that he has an idea of himself that is not serving him. So, for example, he could find that he sees himself as someone who is incapable and an extension of his mother.

Along with this, he can find that he believes that he is responsible for his mother and is here to meet her needs. Assuming that this is so, it is not going to be a surprise that he is focused on his mother and is ignoring himself.

It’s False

But how he sees himself and what he believes his purpose is, is not the truth. In reality, it is likely to be a reflection of what his years were like, with this being a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

What this means is that if this stage of his life had been different, he would have a different view of himself and a different purpose. Still, thanks to how long he has had this self-image and purpose, it can seem as though it is the truth.

Back In Time

When it comes to his early years, practically from the moment that he was born, he may have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Instead of being able to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being who had a strong sense of self, then, he would have stayed in an emotionally dependent state and not developed a strong sense of himself.

His mother is likely to have been developmentally stunted and, therefore, unable to provide him with the love that he needed. She would then have unknowingly looked toward him to be there for her and provide her with what she missed out on during her formative years.

No Choice

As he was powerless and dependent, he would have had to adapt to her and sacrifice himself in the process. If he ever freely expressed himself, he is likely to have been punished in some way.

To handle not having his developmental needs consistently met, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have also involved him losing touch with his connected true self and developing a disconnected false self.

Another Part

And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable. Furthermore, he would have come to believe that he was here to meet his mother’s needs.

Taking this into account, his view of himself and what he believes his purpose is will be a reflection of him being in a developmentally stunted state and what his underdeveloped brain came to believe early on. As fixed as this will appear to be, then, it will be something that is not set in stone and can be changed.

Moving Forward

For his inner world to change, he will have pain to face and work through, unmet developmental needs to experience, and beliefs to question. By doing this, the self-image that he currently has will gradually be phased out and replaced by a self-image that serves him.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk