If a man is emotionally entangled with his mother, he will look like an individual but that will probably be about as far as it will go. In general, he can act as though he is nothing more than an extension of his mother.
This can mean that a large part of his life will revolve around taking care of his mother’s needs. However, although this will cause him to neglect his own life, it doesn’t mean that he will be aware of this.
Based on how he behaves, it will be clear that he believes he is on this planet is to look after his mother. Fulfilling this mission will be far more important than it will be for him to be there for himself.
It is unlikely that this is something he will ever think about, though, as it will most likely be just how he behaves. But, if he does think about his life, there is the chance that he will believe that he is doing the “right” thing.
The Other Side
As for his mother, she could be happy with what is going on and it might not even cross her mind that her son is neglecting his own life. If so, this is likely to show that she doesn’t see him as a separate being or even as her son.
Instead, she can see him as an extension of herself and as a parental figure. By seeing him in this way, it is not a surprise that she behaves in this way and doesn’t encourage him to put himself first.
A Strange Scenario
If another person was to point out what was going on and how destructive it is, his mother could dismiss or deny what is going on. It won’t be possible for her to take in the feedback that she has been given and to reflect on her behaviour.
It could be like trying to push a ball through a wall; it will just bounce off. If the man is to change his behaviour and to live his own life, it almost certainly won’t be something that takes place with the assistance of his mother.
As his mother doesn’t see him as a separate being, it won’t occur to her that he has his own needs and feelings. This can illustrate that her ability to empathise with others is not very developed.
What will also play a part in her inability to see that her son has his own needs and feelings is that he will hide who he is around her. The role that he plays around her, then, will further support her view of him as simply being part of her.
If he does go against his mother and expresses himself, she could end up criticising him. He won’t be a sovereign being in her eyes, he will be her possession and as a result of this, she will own him.
His mother won’t be able to accept it when he asserts himself and will use any tool that she can to get him back in line and to serve her once again. She can be a master manipulator and it might only be a matter of time before he is drowning in guilt and shame and experiences fear and anxiety.
He will be like a puppet that has strings on its back and his mother will be pulling these strings. He might experience frustration and a small amount of anger after this but he could soon go back to being an easy-going, people-pleaser.
If he was to embrace how he really feels, he may feel as if his mother owns him and believe that he has no control over himself or his own life. Doing what his mother wants won’t be fulfilling but it can be seen as the only option that he has.
What is going on?
His mother should encourage him to live his own life, be happy when he does and be a supportive influence in his life. But, for some reason, she only cares about her own needs, her own happiness and is undermining her son.
In the same way that a vampire sucks the life out of its victims; his mother will be sucking the life out of her son. In all likelihood, this is how his mother has been for as long as he has existed and this is why he is unable to put an end to what is going on.
Back In Time
During his early years, there is a strong chance that his mother used him to fulfil some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. This would have meant that he had to disconnect from his needs and feelings, his true self, and develop a false self.
He wouldn’t have received the nutrients that he needed to go through each developmental stage and he would have been deeply traumatised in the process. How that he is an adult, he will still be out of touch with himself and he will continue to play the same role that he had to play all those years ago to survive.
From One Generation to Another
His mother, by not receiving what she needed very early on, would have been developmentally stunted and emotionally entangled with one of her parents. If she had received the right nutrients very early on, she would have grown out of the symbiotic state that she was in and being able to see other people as being separate from her.
She would have looked like an adult, but deep down, she would have felt, and still feels, like a deeply wounded child and would have gone from being the victim of abuse to being the perpetrator of it. Behind the powerful front that she may have presented, and may still present, to the world is likely to be someone who feels powerless, helpless and ashamed.
Half Boy, Half Man
So, considering that he had to act like a parent very early and wasn’t allowed to be a child, he won’t have been able to emotionally separate from his mother and develop a strong sense of self. His emotional self won’t be very developed and his survival will still be attached to his mother.
This is why he won’t be able to draw the line with his mother and live his own life; doing this will be seen as something that would cause his life to come to an end. He is then the way that he is due to what he did and didn’t experience, not because there is something inherently wrong with him.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.