Mother-Enmeshed Men: Has A Mother-Enmeshed Been Used By His Mother From A Young Age?

Naturally, there is a big difference between a man being there for his mother from time to time and more or less always being there for her. The former will allow him to have his own life, while the latter won’t.

But, although there is a big difference between these two scenarios, if a man is living in a way that is not serving him, he might not be aware of it. If so, he will have turned his back on himself, but there will be no reason for him to change.

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Yet, even if another person were to point out that he is overly caught up with his mother and is ignoring himself, it might not go in. Instead, he could dismiss what is said, and he might even make out that they are trying to undermine him.

He could say that he loves his mother and that his mother loves him, so what he is doing is right, or words to that effect. It is then not going to be possible for him to face up to what is going on, and he will continue to abandon himself.

Another Scenario

However, if a friend, family member or colleague were in a relationship that is very similar, he might soon see that something is not right. For example, he could say that they are being taken advantage of and that they need to stand up for themselves.

It could then be seen as strange why he would be able to see what is going on for another, but is blind when it comes to what is going on for him. At this point, it can seem as though he is choosing to avoid reality.

Stepping Back

Still, if he were to arrive at the stage where he is able to see that he is out of balance and speaks to his mother about what is going on for him, what he may soon find is that his mother is not interested in his needs or how he feels, and just expects him to be there for her. She will then be his mother and should, in theory, treat him well, but she won’t treat him well.

Still, after he becomes aware of this, he might not be able to face reality and could continue to believe that his mother does love him. He will then have been exposed to what is going on, but he will block it out.

A Defence

As confusing as this can be, it is likely that his brain is stopping him from facing reality, as it would undermine his ability to keep it together and function. If he were to not only face reality but stay connected to it, his conscious mind is likely to be unsettled by pain that is held in his unconscious mind.

Most of this pain is likely to have been held in this part of him since his early years. And the reason that he is carrying so much pain is because his early years are likely to have been a time when a number of his needs and feelings were disregarded by his mother.

Back In Time

Practically from the moment that he was born, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed. Or, the first few years of his life might not have been too bad, but the period after this might have been.

Either way, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened and keep it together and function, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Another Part

This would have also involved him losing touch with his connected true self and developing a disconnected and outer-directed false self. Furthermore, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place, which would have caused him to believe that he was ‘bad’ while his mother was ‘good’.

Seeing himself as ‘bad’ and his mother as ‘good’ would have also given him the hope that if he became who she wanted him to be and did what she wanted, she would love him. This hope would then have served as a secondary defence.

The Way out

But, as his mother probably wasn’t able to provide him with what he needed, most likely because she was developmentally stunted, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did for her. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life, of course, but as he is still carrying most, if not all, of the pain that he experienced, along with his unmet developmental needs, he will still have the need to idealise his mother and, thus, block out reality.

For him to be able to see her clearly and live his own life, he is going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk