Mother-Enmeshed Men: Has A Mother-Enmeshed Man Developed A Fantasy Bond With His Mother?

If a man were to start dating a woman, he might end up being told that he is overly close to his mother. This is because when they are together, he can often message her and speak to her over the phone.

There may have also been moments when he had to cut their time together short and do things for her. But even when they are not together, he can spend a lot of time being there for her and meeting her needs.

Resistance

However, if this is what is going on or something similar, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to accept that he is out of balance. Instead, he can accuse her of being overly needy, self-centred, and even of having something against his mother.

If he does respond in this way or just can’t accept that he is overly caught up with his mother’s needs, she could wonder how he could be so out of touch with reality, and feel frustrated and angry.

It’s Clear

If he were to talk about his relationship with his mother, he could say that he loves her and that they are very close. He might also go into how she did a lot for him when he was younger, and that he wants to pay her back.

Assuming that he says this or something that is close to it, she could again wonder how he can be so out of touch with reality. The reason for this is that his mother might largely treat him like an object that exists to meet her needs, not a separate human being who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead.

A Mismatch

If so, he will say that he loves her, but she won’t act like she really loves him, and while they will often be physically close, they certainly won’t be emotionally close. In his head, then, they will have a real relationship, but in reality, there won’t be much there.

But, no matter how much she talks about this with him, it might not make any difference whatsoever. It will then be clear that he is not ready to face reality, and she could decide that, to save her own sanity, it is best for her to end their relationship.

A Closer Look

As strange as this will be, there is a strong chance that he is not consciously choosing to block out reality. Instead, he can truly believe that he has a close relationship with his mother.

And, if he were to face reality, it might end up unlocking a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs, which would make it hard for him to function. If this is the case, believing that he is close to his mother and has a real relationship with her, then it is a key part of what is allowing him to keep it together and function.

What’s going on?

Most likely, he had to deceive himself into believing that he was close to her and that she loved him during his formative years. This was probably a stage of his life when she was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

The outcome of this is that he wouldn’t have received the attunement, mirroring, affection, care and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle this, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Another Part

What would have also helped with this is that he would have blamed himself for how his mother was behaving. He was then bad, but his mother was good, and his underdeveloped brain would have believed that if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, he would be loved by her.

In addition to seeing her as good, he would have believed that he was connected to his mother. Therefore, this inner idea that he formed of his mother, one that had very little to do with reality, would have made it easier for him to block out his inner and outer reality.

A Brutal Time

As he was powerless and dependent, he wasn’t equipped to face up to the fact that he couldn’t connect to his mother or that she wasn’t able to love him. The terror and the despair that this would have caused him to experience would have been too much for his system to handle.

With this in mind, he will no longer be powerless and dependent on his mother, but, as he will still carry most, if not all, of the pain and the unmet developmental needs that he had to repress to survive, he won’t just be able to face reality. Just like when he was a boy, he will need to continue to deceive himself in order to keep it together and function.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, if he were to see that he finds it hard to face up to the fact that he doesn’t have a real relationship with his mother, he will have a number of steps to take. There will be pain for him to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk