Mother-Enmeshed Men: Has Mother Enmeshed-Mans Conscience Been Outsourced To His Mother?

What a man can find is that when he does what his mother wants, he feels good about himself. Or, at the very least, he notices that he feels settled and is able to focus on what he is doing.

However, when he doesn’t do what his mother wants, he can find that he doesn’t feel good about himself. Or, once again, at the very least, he is unable to feel settled and to focus on what he is doing.

The outcome

Due to this, he can see that he typically does what he can to do what she wants. Naturally, as he pays such a big price when he doesn’t do what she wants, this is not going to be a surprise.

Along with this, he can find that there are certain things he doesn’t do, as this also causes him to feel as though he would displease his mother and thus, be doing something wrong. Thanks to what his life is like, it is not going to be possible for him to freely express himself.

Looking Back

If he were to look back on his life, he could see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. Either way, he could often wonder what his life would be like if he could feel good about himself and be settled without needing to please her and could do what he wants to do.

Nonetheless, based on what his life is like, he could see that as something that is nothing more than a pipe dream. After a while, he could end up reaching out for support.

External Feedback

If he were to reach out to a family member or a friend, and talk about what is going on for him, he could be told that being there for and meeting his mother’s needs is the right thing for him to do. In their eyes, then, there will be no reason for him to change his behaviour.

Then again, he could talk about what is going on for him and be told that his mother doesn’t define whether he is a good or bad person. They could also say that it is up to him to decide what he does and doesn’t do.

Going Deeper

If this were to happen, it doesn’t mean that this would allow him to change his behaviour. His need to be there for her can be so strong that he is unable to do anything about how he behaves.

If he were to imagine not being there for her and doing what he wants, this could be a time when he feels guilty and ashamed. Additionally, he can be filled with anxiety and fear.

A Strange Scenario

As he is an adult, he should, in theory, be in a position where he defines whether he feels good or bad and what he does or doesn’t do. After all, he is a separate human being who has his own mind and his own needs and feelings; he is not an extension of his mother.

As confusing as his behaviour will be, it is likely to be a consequence of what took place during his formative years. This is likely to have been a time when his mother wasn’t able to love him and simply used him.

Back In Time

Instead of attuning to and providing him with the care that he needed, he would have been forced to adapt to her needs. If he did what she wanted, he is likely to have been approved of, but if he didn’t, he is likely to have been disapproved of and even punished.

As a result, not only would he have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, but he would have also been conditioned to believe that his sense of goodness was dependent on pleasing her. In other words, she would have made sure that his conscience served her, not him.

An Inversion

What she should have done is make sure that he knew the difference between right and wrong, so that he could make good decisions and function in society, for instance. Instead, she made sure that he would feel bad and believe that he was doing something wrong if he didn’t meet her needs.

This is not to say that she consciously chose to do this, though, as she is likely to have been oblivious to what was taking place and how this was and would impact him further down the line. The reason for this is that she is likely to have been developmentally stunted and consumed by her own needs.

The Truth

If she hadn’t been developmentally stunted and consumed by her own needs and was able to truly be there for him, he would probably have a conscience that served him. Either way, what he needs to keep in mind is that he doesn’t need to please his mother to be a good person.

This is not something that she defines. For him to know this, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk