Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Being Controlled By His False Self?

If a man focuses on his mother and ignores his own needs, it is likely to show that something is not right. The reason for this is that he has his own needs and life to lead and is not merely an extension of his mother.

The trouble is that although he will be living in a way that is not serving him, he could be oblivious to this. Still, as he is living in the wrong way, it is going to take its toll on him.

A Strange Scenario

He can then often feel down and drained, finding it hard to function, for instance, but he won’t realise why this is. This feedback will be there to let him know that he is out of alignment with himself.

To use an analogy, it will be as if he is driving a car that keeps sending him warning signs but he continually ignores the signs. The lights on the dashboard will then be flashing but he won’t pay attention to him.

The Time Will Come

Sooner or later, the car might not run as smoothly as before or it might not even start. In the same way, if he continues to behave in this way, it is likely to get harder and harder for him to do so and he might be able to after a while.

Now, assuming that he was to get to the stage where he no longer has the energy or desire to behave in this way, he can wonder what is going on. He can see that behaving in this way is not serving him - it is simply benefitting his mother.

Inner Resistance

However, he might find that along with the part of him that wants to behave differently, there is another part of him that doesn’t. And, this other part of him can be the part of him that is the strongest.

At this point, he can feel completely controlled by this part of him and question if this will ever change. If so, he can end up feeling helpless and hopeless, and go into a collapsed emotional state.

What’s going on?

As this part of him will be preventing him from living his own life, it would be easy to say that it is there to undermine him. Yet, what if this part of him is actually there to protect him?

This could be hard for him to accept, especially as it is stopping him from implementing boundaries with his mother and doing what is right for him. Right now, it won’t be serving him but there is likely to have been a time when it did.

Back In Time

To this part of him, paying attention to his own needs and meeting them is likely to be seen as a threat to his survival. Therefore, as controlled as he will feel, this will be seen as the only way for him to exist.

This part of him is likely to have been formed during his formative years. During this time, his mother is likely to have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and looked toward him to be there for her.

A Brutal Time

From a very young age, when he expressed his needs, he was likely to have been punished in some way. So, he might have received a disapproving look, been ignored or left, for instance.

This would have sent him the message that not only were his needs bad but that expressing them would be a threat to is survival. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Self-Alienation

He would then have gradually lost touch with his embodied, true self. In the place of the connection that he had to himself would have been a disconnected, false self.

This false self would have been focused on his mother and its priority would have been to please her. Another part of this is that this false self would have done what it could to make sure that his true self didn’t see the light of day.

Inner Conflict

To use another analogy, his false self would have been the prison guard and his true self would have been the prisoner. Nevertheless, his true self was serving time for a crime that it hadn’t committed.

Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but, his false self won’t be aware of the fact that this stage of his life has passed. It will still believe that the only way for him to survive is by making sure that his true self is kept under control and by focusing on his mother.

Moving Forward

For him to gradually change his life, he is likely to have a lot of inner and outer work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk