Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Being Noble By Putting His Mother First?

If a man is in a position where he spends a lot of time doing things for his mother and overlooks his own life, he can believe that he is doing the right thing. Nonetheless, this is not to say that this is what will go through his head.

No, what it is likely to mean is that, deep down, he has the sense that he is living in the right way. This is something that he could express if another person were to say that he is living in the wrong way.

One Scenario

For example, if he were to start dating a woman and she were to say that he is neglecting himself, he could dismiss what she says. He could say that he is doing what any good and loving son would do. 

He might even go into how he should be there for her, as she was there for him when he was younger. In his eyes, then, he will be paying his mother back for everything that she has done for him over the years.

External Feedback

And, if he were to talk to a family member or friend about how he is behaving, they could back up what he believes. This person could say that his mother did a lot for him and that it is only right that he is there for her now that he is an adult.

If so, hearing this feedback can give him an even greater sense that he is living in the right way. As a result of all this, there is going to be no reason for him to change his behaviour.

The Outcome

Consequently, if he is dating a woman, she is unlikely to stay in his life for very long. After seeing that he is not willing to face reality, she could soon end up cutting her ties with him.

Alternatively, he could end up cutting his ties with her after seeing her as a negative influence on his life. What can play a part in this decision is what his mother says about the woman that he is with.

A Heavy Weight

So, if he goes back to being single and overlooking a number of his own needs, he will pay a price. Ultimately, even though he believes that he is doing the right thing, the truth is that he is abandoning himself.

Of course, if he were living his own life, while also being there for his mother from time to time, if that’s what he wanted to do, it would be different. But, as he is out of balance, living in this way will take its toll on him.

Going Deeper

If he were to step back and reflect on his life, what he might gradually see is that he is acting more like an extension of his mother, as opposed to an autonomous human being. This is something that could take place if he were to experience a setback.

So, after losing his job, becoming unwell, experiencing a loss, or going through a breakup, he could gradually be able to see clearly. This is not to say that this clarity will stay with him, though, as it could come and go depending on what is going on for him internally and externally.

Two Scenarios

After he has become aware of what is going on, he could talk to his mother and start to implement boundaries. This can be a time when his mother listens to what he has to say and is understanding, or this might not take place.

If it doesn’t take place, it can be clear to him that she doesn’t care about his needs and sees him as nothing more than her possession. She will then own him and will be entitled to his time and attention.

Nothing New

Assuming that this is what takes place, it is likely to show that his early years were a time when he was treated in the same way. Thus, instead of receiving the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have had to adapt to her needs and be there for her.

This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened and keep it together and function, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Self-Alienation

The outcome of this is that he would have lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. His physical and mental self would then have grown as the years passed, but his emotional self would have stayed frozen in time.

In the beginning, when he did express himself, he was likely to have been disapproved of and even punished, which would have caused him to associate self-expression with being rejected and abandoned. How he behaves as an adult will then be a reflection of how he had to behave early on.

A Deeply Wounded Woman

Most likely, his mother was in an underdeveloped state as a result of being greatly deprived and deeply wounded early on and had developed an inflated false self. She wouldn’t have grown beyond the narcissistic stage of her development, and this is why she couldn’t see that her son wasn’t an extension of her or there to meet her needs.

With this in mind, his mother used him during his early years, and she continues to use him now that he is an adult. Taking this into account, regardless of what he believes or what anyone else says, he is not doing the right thing by being there for her and neither does he need to pay her back for anything, as he has already given her so much.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk