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If a man treats his own life as though it is not as important to his mother’s, it doesn’t mean that he will see that he is out of balance. Instead, he can believe that he is behaving in the right way.
In his eyes, being there for her can be seen as him paying her back for everything that she did for him when he was a boy. If he were to think about this stage of his life, he could remember it as being a time when his mother sacrificed herself for him. External Feedback What can play a part in what he believes is that his mother could often talk about how much she did for him. If she does do this, it will help to strengthen the view that he is living in the right way. However, he could often have conversations with family members or friends about how he is behaving, and they could challenge what he believes. So, he might have been told, over the years, that he is here to live his own life, not to meet his mother’s needs. The Outcome If this has happened, it may have been a time when he just allowed them to speak and didn’t say anything. Then again, he might have ended up getting angry and accusing them of having something against his mother. Assuming that this or something like it has taken place, it will be clear that he is not willing to reflect on his own behaviour and acknowledge that he is abandoning himself. It can then seem strange that he would choose to be there for his mother while turning his back on himself. Self-Harm Living in this way is going to cause him to overlook a number of his needs and to be deprived as a result. But due to how focused he is on his mother, he is unlikely to be aware of this. He can often feel down and depressed, but he is not going to be able to see why this is. If he were to look into this, he would gradually find out things that he is unknowingly trying to avoid. A Closer Look If he were to look at why he is behaving in a destructive manner, he might find that he is not choosing to be there for his mother. He might see that he feels that he has to be there for her. And that, if he thinks about asserting himself, let alone says that he can’t do something for her, he ends up feeling very uncomfortable. It will then be as if the only way that he will exist is if he focuses on her. At The Root After becoming aware of this, he could believe that there is no reason for him to have this experience. He will, after all, be a man, not a boy, so he doesn’t need to please his mother to be able to survive. But even though he is no longer a powerless and dependent boy, a big part of him won’t realise this. To this part of him, he will still be a powerless and dependent boy, and he will have to treat her as the centre of his world. What’s going on? As confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it is likely to soon make sense. This is likely to have been a time when his mother was too developmentally stunted to provide him with what he needed. He would then have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Being ignored, criticised, rejected and abandoned would have been normal. The Message He would have soon learnt that unless he focused on her and met her needs, he would be annihilated. He was then forced to lose touch with himself and be who she wanted him to be. In other words, he would have lost touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self, and developed a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him. It Was Futile But as she wasn’t able to provide him with what he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered how he adapted. Nonetheless, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that played a part in him being able to keep it together and function, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but as a big part of him hasn’t moved on, it will seem as though the past is present. To his brain and nervous system, he will have the same two choices: focus on her and survive, or freely express himself and die. Moving Forward For him to be able to reconnect to his body, emotionally separate from his mother and freely express himself, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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