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Although a man is a separate human being, who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that he will act like one. Instead, it can be as though he is merely an extension of his mother.
Therefore, he will meet his basic needs, or he might typically meet them, but that will be about it. Taking this into account, his mother is going to receive a lot of his time, attention and energy. The priority If he is not at work, he can be doing things for his mother. But, even if he is at work, he can often think about how she is doing and what it is that he needs to do for her once he is finished. Thanks for how little he does for himself and how much he does for her; he can spend a lot of time feeling drained. Yet, as a number of his needs will generally be overlooked, this is to be expected. How He Behaves When he is around her, he can come across as attentive, easy-going and very responsive. As a result, his mother might not always even need to ask him to do something, as he could often know exactly what it is that she wants. Thus, he will be her son, but he will be more like a highly attuned parent, and his mother will be more like his child. And, after he has done something for her, she might express her gratitude, or she might not say anything. No Resistance In general, it might not matter what she asks him to do, either, as he could just go along with it. Along with this, if he has other plans, he could typically put them to one side and be there for his mother. If he does say that he is busy, though, his mother could soon criticise him and make out that he has to be there for her. After this has taken place, he could feel guilty and soon put his plans to one side and be there for her. Stepping Back Now, if he were to arrive at the stage where he can see that he is neglecting himself and has a compulsive need to be there for his mother, he can wonder why he is this way. What can enter his mind is that while he is her son, he is acting more like her father. He is then an attentive and selfless parent, while she is a needy child who is unable to handle life. Furthermore, he can see that when he is around her, he ends up getting sucked into her reality, loses touch with his own needs and feelings, and plays a role. A Strange Situation He is then going to lose himself around her, and it will be as if he ends up becoming possessed. His self will be cast aside, and what will arise inside him is a self that serves his mother. Yet, even when he is not around her, his self is still going to be undermined by this other self that serves his mother. At this point, he can conclude that his mother is in control of him and that there is very little that he can do. A Natural Conclusion However, as he will feel controlled by her not just when he is around her but when he isn’t, why wouldn’t he come to this conclusion? Yet, the truth is that his mother is not in control of him, and he is not powerless. The reason that he is experiencing life in this way is likely to be because of what his early years were like and the impact they had on him. This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Back In Time Practically from the moment he was born, he might have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed. Or, this might have taken place after a number of years had passed. Either way, he wouldn’t have received what he needed to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being who had a strong sense of self. His mother is likely to have looked to him to be there for her. No Other Choice In the beginning, when he did express himself, he was likely to have been disapproved of and punished in some way. Over time, this would have caused him to lose touch with his connected true self and develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self. The pain that he experienced and the needs that his mother wouldn’t meet would have ended up being repressed by his brain. This would have allowed him to handle what took place and keep it together and function. The other Side In all likelihood, his mother was developmentally stunted and hadn’t grown beyond the toddler stage of her development. Consequently, she would have unconsciously looked toward her son to be the attentive and caring parent that she never had. She was then incredibly needy and self-absorbed, and her powerless and dependent son had no choice but to adapt to her. Apart from his basic needs, his other needs would have been secondary to her needs. Moving Forward He wouldn’t have had the sense that he was separate from his mother when he was born, and as he didn’t receive what he needed, he wouldn’t have developed this sense. Underneath the outer-directed false self that he had to form will be his true self, and this is where he will carry the pain and the unmet developmental needs that his brain repressed. With this in mind, for him to gradually change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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