Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Trapped In His Mother's Reality?

Although a man is physically separate from his mother, it doesn’t mean that he will realise this. Instead, he can have the sense that he is merely an extension of his mother.

And, while he will have his own inner world, it also doesn’t mean that he will realise this either. The reason for this is that his thoughts and how he feels can largely be defined by his mother.

One purpose

Thanks to the sense that he has of himself, it won’t be possible for him to live his own life, as he will feel like he is part of his mother. Furthermore, his inner world will generally be filled with thoughts that are preoccupied with her and her needs.

As for his feelings, these can largely be a reaction to what is going on for her and what he has or hasn’t done for her. Naturally, living in this way is not going to allow him to have a fulfilling life.

A Miserable Life

For this to change, he will need to realise that he is a separate human being and freely express himself. Moreover, he will need to let go of his preoccupation with his mother and her needs, so that he can focus on his own needs and do what is right for him.

By realising that he is separate from her and being rooted in his body, he will be able to think clearly and have thoughts that serve him, and he won’t be emotionally tossed around by what is going on for her. He will then look like a separate human being on the outside, and he will experience himself as a separate human being on the inside.

Stepping Back

Now, if he were to become aware of what is going on for him and see that he is out of balance, he could find that he is unable to start changing his behaviour. The reason for this is that he can feel compelled to behave in the same way.  

The mere thought of changing his behaviour can cause him to experience fear and anxiety, and he can end up feeling guilty and ashamed. From this, it will be as though he needs to be there for his mother to be able to survive, and that he would be doing something wrong if he changed his behaviour.

Confusion

At this point, he can wonder why he has this experience when he thinks about changing his behaviour. What can enter his mind is that there must be something wrong with him, or that he is just weak or lacks courage.

However, as confusing as this is likely to be and how he can blame himself for what is going on, there is a chance that if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he would gradually understand why he is this way. This was probably a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Back In Time

So, when he was born, he had no sense of himself as a separate human being and would have seen his mother as being part of him. Still, if he had received the attunement and care that he needed, he would have slowly developed a sense of self and realised that he was separate from his mother.

But, as he didn’t receive the attunement and care that he needed, he wouldn’t have been able to develop a separate sense of self and realise that his mother was not part of him. What would have also played a part in this is that his mother would have looked to him to meet some of her needs.

No Choice

To handle missing out on what he needed and having to adapt to her, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. He would have then lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

With this in mind, he didn’t receive what he needed to attach to her and then to break away as time passed, he primarily received what he needed to survive. This is why, although he is no longer a powerless and dependent infant, toddler, or child, he doesn’t know this.

Moving Forward

For him to be able to emotionally grow up, separate from his mother and find his centre, he will have conditioning to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk