Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Trying To Be Seen And Heard By His Mother?

If a man generally wasn’t seen and heard by his mother during his formative years, it doesn’t mean that he no longer has these needs. He can then be in a position where just about his whole life revolves around his mother and his need to be seen and heard by her.

However, if behaving in this way is normal, he might not be aware of what is going on. Still, even if he is not aware of what is going on, he is still going to pay a price for behaving in this way.

Self-Neglect

Thanks to how focused he is on her, a number of his needs are likely to seldom, if ever, be met. So, when he is not sleeping, working or eating, for instance, he could often be doing things for her.

Therefore, he might rarely spend time with friends, take the time to relax and recharge, or focus on his own hobbies. When it comes to his need to experience intimacy, this could be another need that is overlooked.

Running On Empty

As he is neglecting himself, he can often feel drained and even depressed. But, as he is not aware of the fact that he is behaving in a way that is not serving him, he can believe that he just suffers from depression.

Then again, he might not get to the stage where he thinks about how he feels and could do his best to avoid what is going on for him. He could do this by drinking, eating and/or looking at porn.

A Waste of Time

Now, while he will be unconsciously trying to be seen and heard by his mother, it doesn’t mean that this typically takes place. The reason for this is that his mother can be very focused on her own needs.

Also, she can believe that she is entitled to his time, energy, and attention. In her eyes, then, he is going to be nothing more than an object that exists to meet her needs.

Self-Absorbed

If so, it won’t occur to her that her son is a separate being who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead. Thus, it will be a total waste of time for him to look toward her to meet his adult need to be seen and heard, let alone his developmental need to be seen and heard.

In all likelihood, his mother is a deeply wounded human being and, if she was diagnosed, would probably be seen as having a personality disorder. No matter what he does or how long he does it, he will be wasting his precious time.

Waking Up

The key, of course, will be for him to take a step back and realise what is going on. Until that takes place, his life will continue to pass him by and he will continue to suffer.

For this to take place, he might need to experience a breakup, lose his job, or have a breakdown. But, whatever it is that takes place and as painful as it is likely to be, it will be a blessing in disguise.

Stepping Back

If this were to take place and he were to reflect on his life, he could wonder why he is so focused on his mother. He could see that she is very caught up with her own needs and takes him for granted.

Additionally, he could see that by behaving in this way, he is abandoning himself. At this point, he could think about why he has such a strong need to be there for his mother.

A Closer Look

What might end up entering his mind is that he wants her to see and hear him; to attune to his needs and feelings and to be loving. If this is the case, he could wonder why he is this way.

He could believe that, as he is an adult, he shouldn’t have such a compulsive need for his mother to do this. Subsequently, he could believe that he just needs to ‘grow up’ and ‘be a man’.

Going Deeper

Nonetheless, while he can blame himself for what is going on, there is likely to be a good reason why he is behaving in this way. During his early years, there is a strong chance that his mother behaved in the same way as she is behaving now.

At a stage of his life, when he needed a mother who could attune to his needs and feelings and generally provide him with the care that he needed, would have been a stage when this generally didn’t take place. Instead, he would have had to adapt to her needs and be there for her.

A Brutal Time

Not receiving what he needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded him. And, as he was powerless and dependent, his only option was to lose touch with a number of his needs and feelings.

What he needed wouldn’t have been available, but, it would have been too painful for him to accept this. So he had to block out reality and live in the hope that if he struggled enough, his needs would be met.

Drawing the line

Now, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but a big part of him won’t have moved on. He will still carry most, if not all, of his unmet developmental needs and the pain that his brain had to repress to allow him to keep it together and function.

For him to no longer look for what can’t be provided and be there for himself, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk