Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Trying To Emotionally Attach To His Mother?

If a man spends a lot of time doing things for his mother and his own life is not his priority, he is unlikely to have much of a life. This is then going to be different to how it would be if he was there for her from time to time while being focused on his own life.

If this was the case, he wouldn’t be abandoning himself; he would be in balance. But, as this is not the case, he is going to be abandoning himself and will be out of balance.

The First Step

For his life to change he will need to be aware of what is going on and then he will be able to make the necessary changes. Until that time arrives, his life will continue to go in the same direction.

Now, there is a chance that he is aware of what is going and wants his life to go in another direction. If so, he won’t need anyone else to make him move forward as he will already be motivated to do so.

Resistance

Assuming that he is, he can find that even though part of him wants his life to change, another part of him doesn’t. The part of him that does can be weaker than the part of him that doesn’t.

As a result of this, he can find that he often takes a few steps forward and then stops or doesn’t do anything. If this takes place, he can feel very frustrated and angry.

A Deeper Look

Assuming that this takes place, he can wonder why he is unable to just change his behaviour. It will be clear to him that how he is behaving is not serving him but he will still struggle to consistently do what he knows is the right thing.

If he were to imagine that he is putting himself first and is no longer caught up with his mother’s needs, he could feel greatly relieved and deeply grateful. Yet, after a while, he could have a very different experience.

Inner Conflict

He could feel guilty and then anxious and fearful, and as if he will be rejected and abandoned. Based on what is going on for him, it will be as if he is doing something wrong and his survival is under threat.

Naturally, as living his own life is seen as something that is wrong and as a threat to his survival, it is not a surprise that he can’t simply change his behaviour. He will have two choices: either he focuses on his mother and survives or he doesn’t and his life comes to an end.

What’s going on?

At this point, it could be said that what is going on for him is irrational, as it is not wrong for him to live his own life and he won’t die. But, by living in this way, it will stop him from coming into contact with this painful inner material.

Being there for his mother will then serve as a defence that allows him to keep it together and function. Another part of this is that he can be unconsciously trying to attach to and bond with his mother.

Confusion

If this is the case, he won’t just be trying to avoid what is going on inside him, he will also be trying to receive something. What might soon enter his mind is why he is carrying so much pain and why he is trying to receive something from his mother.

He could think about how there is no reason for him to be carrying so much pain and as he is a man, not a boy, he shouldn’t need anything from his mother. But, if he were to take a closer look at and explored his early years, he might soon start to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Back In Time

Practically from the moment he was born, he might have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. So, his mother might have seldom attuned to his needs and provided him with the care that he needed.

It would then have been normal for him to receive attention when he didn’t need it and not receive it when he did. And, as the years passed, he might have been forced to be there for her and meet some of her needs.

A Brutal Time

The outcome of this is that he wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to and bond with his mother and then gradually break away as time passed. Instead, he would have been greatly traumatised, which would have caused him to disconnect from himself, go into a collapsed state and stay in an emotionally dependent state.

The pain that he was in and a number of his needs would have been repressed, to allow him to keep it together it and function. But, even though his need to attach to his mother and be loved by her, along with other needs, was removed from his conscious awareness, it would have still impacted his behaviour.

A Continuation

He would have continued to struggle for her love and this struggle will continue. He will no longer be an infant, toddler, or child, and his mother will still be just as unavailable, but it won’t matter to a big part of him.
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This underdeveloped part of him has no sense of time and is blind, so it will continue to give him the need to struggle for her love no matter how old he is or how old his mother is. For this to change, he will need to reconnect to this part and face and work through the pain and the needs that he had to repress all those years ago.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk