Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Turning His Back On His Mother If He Breaks Away?

If a man has been focusing on his mother and doing what he can to please her, and this has been going on for as long as he can remember, it is not going to be a surprise if he is unable to just live his own life. Due to how long he has lived in this way, living in this way is likely to be what feels comfortable.

Therefore, if he merely thinks about directing less of his energy and time toward his mother, he can feel anxious and then guilty. The outcome of this is that, to part of him, changing his behaviour can be seen as something that is wrong.

Inner Conflict

If this is so, the part of him that does want to change his behaviour is going to be dominated by a part of him that doesn’t. It can then be as though there is a battle taking place inside him.

Naturally, in order for his life to change, the weaker part of him that wants his life to change will need to be liberated from the stronger part of him that doesn’t. Until that happens, he might have moments when he is able to change his behaviour, but that is likely to be as far as it will go.

A Closer Look

If he were to connect to the part of him that believes that it would be wrong for him to change his behaviour, he can find that he believes that he would be turning his back on his mother. Thus, he wouldn’t be doing the right thing by living his own life; he would be doing the wrong thing.

Based on this, he is likely to believe that the purpose of his life is to be there for his mother. His needs, feelings and life are then secondary to his mother’s needs, feelings and life.

A Lie

In reality, the purpose of his life is not to be there for his mother; if anything, the purpose of his life is to freely express himself. So, by putting himself first, it’s not that he would be turning his back on her; it’s that he would no longer be turning his back on himself.

If he were her father and she were a child, he would be turning his back on her if he weren’t ​there for her. But, even if this were the case, he would still need to take care of his own needs.

A Strange Scenario

After thinking about this, he may find that it is easier for him to gradually change his behaviour. At the same time, he might find that while he agrees with this, it doesn’t have much of an impact on him.

Consequently, he can wonder why part of him has such a strong need to be there for his mother. What might enter his mind is that he was simply born this way, which is why this need is so strong
 
Going Deeper

Nonetheless, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he would probably gradually realise why this part of him is so strong and impactful. The reason for this is that this stage of his life was probably very similar to what his adult life is like.

From a very young age, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed and been forced to adapt to his mother. She is likely to have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

One option

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, he would have had to lose touch with his connected true self and develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self. Also, when he did express his needs in the beginning, he is likely to have been disapproved of and punished in some way.

The outcome of this is that he would have been conditioned to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that it was wrong for him to freely express himself. He would have been too underdeveloped at this stage to know that his mother was most likely developmentally stunted and looked to him to meet the needs that her parents were unable to meet.

A Different Reality

If he had been developed enough to see this, he would have known that he was being used and that being there for his mother wasn’t the right thing for him to do. He would have also known that his needs and feelings were not bad, and neither was his desire to express himself.

For him to realise that he is here to live his own life and be able to freely express himself, he is going to have conditioning to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be proved with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk