Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Mans Mother A Reflection Of What He Needs To Resolve?

​If a man is in a position where he spends a lot of time doing things for his mother and neglects himself, he could believe that his mother is the problem. Therefore, if it wasn’t for her, he would be able to live his own life.

Due to this, he could come to the conclusion that until she changes, his life will stay the same. What might also cross his mind is that he needs to find a way to change her behaviour.

It’s clear

From this, what is going on ‘out there’ will be the problem and he won’t have much control over his life. However, what if his mother is simply mirroring what he needs to deal with?

At this point, he could think about how there isn’t anything that he needs to deal with; it is just that his mother is self-absorbed and he is being forced to be there for her. Yet, as he is a man and not a boy, he doesn’t have to behave in this way.

One Part

If he was a powerless and dependent boy who had to do what his mother wanted to survive, he would have to behave in this way. But, as this is not the case, he can draw the line with his mother and live his own life.

Thus, the fact that he doesn’t realise this shows that he is not in his power and feels more like a boy, than a man. From this, what will be clear is that for this area of his life to change, he needs to reconnect to his power and go from a boy to a man.

Another part

As he is not in his power and feels like a dependent boy, he won’t be able to stand up for himself as this will be seen as a threat to his survival. This is then why he acts like an extension of his mother and abandons himself.

Additionally, he can find that he doesn’t value himself or believe that he deserves to have his own life. He might also find that he can’t accept that he is lovable and that another woman would want to be with him.

A Natural outcome

Undoubtedly, if he valued himself, he wouldn’t feel comfortable turning his back on himself and focusing on his mother. He would know that his life is far too valuable to waste.

And, if he knew that he was lovable, he wouldn’t settle for the scarps of love that his mother may or may not provide. After thinking about each of these elements as well as others, he could soon see that his mother is not the main issue.

A Waste of Time

As a result of what is going on for him, then, even if his mother were to change or he was able to change her, it wouldn’t change what is going on for him. He could then do less for her, but soon end up in a relationship where he is abandoning himself.

Yet, even if he didn’t get into a relationship, as he is no longer focused on his mother, he is likely to come into contact with a lot of pain. This is because focusing on his mother will also serve as a defence that allows him to keep how he feels at bay, which will allow him to keep it together and function.

A Change of Focus

When he is no longer the same person, he won’t behave in the same way and his mother will only be a small part of his life. But, if he is in a beaten-down state, it might be hard for him to get his head around this.

Now, as to why he is experiencing life in this way, it is likely to be a consequence of what took place during his formative years. This is likely to have been a time when he missed out on what he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Back In Time

Practically from the moment that he was born, he is likely to have been deprived of the care that he needed, causing him to be greatly wounded. Moreover, a lot of the care that he did receive is likely to have been misattuned care.

And, as the years passed, he is likely to have been used by his mother to meet some of her needs. Instead of having a mother who adapted to him, he would have had to adapt to her.

The Impact

As he missed out on the nutrients that he needed, he wouldn’t have been able to emotionally attach to his mother, which would have stopped him from being able to break away from her further down the line. The outcome of this is that he wouldn’t have been able to move beyond the dependent stage of his development and develop a strong sense of self.

To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. His physical and mental self would have grown but his emotional self wouldn’t have.

Moving Forward

For him to move beyond the emotionally dependent state that he is in and activate a felt sense of power, worth and love, among other states, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk