Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Unable To See Beyond Her Own Needs?9/10/2025
If a man, who has the inclination to focus on and meet his mother's needs, were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may find is that he is ignoring himself. He can see that unless he is asleep or working, he is often doing things for her.
What he can also see is that if he is not doing something for her, he can be trying to make her feel better. Thanks to this, he is going to be giving a lot to her, while receiving very little, if anything, back. Time For A Change After this, he can decide that it is time for him to live in a different way, a way that serves him. Now, if he were to talk to his mother about this, she might listen to what he has to say and be understanding. She could say that he does do a lot for her and that he needs to be more focused on his own life. He can then feel seen and heard and supported, and he can start to do more for himself and less for her. Another Scenario However, although this can be seen as the ideal, it might not be what takes place. Instead, after he has spoken about what is going on for him, she could ignore what he says, or start criticising him. If she does criticise him, she could make out that he should be there for her as she is his mother, and she can say that she did a lot for him when he was a boy. As a result of this, he can feel guilty and ashamed. The next Stage After this conversation has taken place or one like it, he could believe that he just needs to speak to her again and she will understand. However, if he does believe this, the same thing could take place again. Assuming that this is the case, he can wonder why his mother is unable to put herself in his shoes and see that he has his own needs and life to lead. In her eyes, it will be as if he is here to meet her needs. Role Reversal Therefore, he will be her son and she will be his mother, but based on what their relationship is like, he will be more like her parent and she will be more like his daughter. If he were to look back on his life, he might see that this is nothing new, as it has more or less always been this way. When it comes to why his mother is like this, it is likely to be due to what took place during her formative years and the impact it had on her. This was likely to be a stage of her life that was anything but nurturing. Back In Time From the moment that she was born or shortly after, she might have missed out on the attunement, care, affection, validation and support that she needed. This is because her mother and perhaps her father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of her parents might have looked toward her to meet some of their needs. Some of these needs might have been their adult needs, and some of them might have been their unmet developmental needs. An Emotional Desert Due to this, she would have missed out on what she needed to grow and develop in the right way and been forced to be there for others. She would then have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. By not receiving what she needed and having to give, she wouldn’t have been able to grow beyond this stage of her development. Instead, she would have lost touch with a number of her needs and feelings, and thus, her body, and formed a disconnected and unfeeling self. A Divided Being The years would then have passed, and when she had a son, he would have been forced to adapt to her needs, in the same way that she had been forced to adapt to her mother and perhaps her father’s needs. Without being consciously aware of it, she wouldn’t have seen him as a separate human being who had his own needs and feelings; she would have seen him as a parental figure who would finally be there for her and give her the attunement, care, validation, affection and support that she needed. As was the case when she was used, he was powerless and dependent and couldn’t do anything about what was going on. His only option was to lose touch with his connected and inner-directed true self and develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self, while living in the hope that, if he became who she needed and behaved how she wanted, she would love him. The Same Story Many years will have passed since this stage, but his mother will be just as underdeveloped as she was, even though she used him to meet her needs. The reason for this is that it was too late for her to meet her unmet developmental needs. Nonetheless, her view of him won’t have changed, and she will still see him as someone who can meet her needs. Furthermore, part of him will still live in the hope that, if he continues to be there for her, she will love him. Moving Forward Ultimately, his mother is unlikely to ever see him differently, which is why he will have to change in order for his life to change. If he continues to look for her to give him permission to live differently, his life will pass him by. For him to gradually change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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