Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Woman A Powerless Victim If She Ends Up With Mother-Enmeshed Men?

Right now, a woman might be with a man who is emotionally unavailable and is often physically out of reach. If so, when she is with him, she won’t be able to connect to him emotionally, and she will rarely, if ever, see him.

The reason for this is that he can be focused on his mother’s needs and do a lot for her. Therefore, she is going to be with a man who is unable to be fully there for her due to how caught up he is in his mother’s world.

A Frustrating Existence

She might have been with him for a few weeks or months, or she might have been with him for a number of years. Either way, as she is likely to have given a lot but received very little, she could feel drained.

But, as very few of her needs will have been met and are being met, this is to be expected. For her to feel alive and be fulfilled, she will need to meet all of her needs, not just the needs that allow her to survive.

A Waste of Time

If she has spoken to him, she might not have been able to make much progress. He might have said that he isn’t overly focused on his mother and that he is merely doing what any son would do, or words to that effect.

Then again, he might have acknowledged what she has said and promised to change, but that could be about as far as it has gone. When she thinks about the conversations that they have had, along with what has happened after, she could be filled with frustration and anger.

External Feedback

If she were to talk to a trusted friend about what is going on, her friend could say that she is wasting her time and needs to move on. They could also make it clear that she deserves to be with a man who is emotionally available and is there for them.

However, even if this were to take place, it might not have much of an impact on her. So, after she has had this conversation, she might reflect on what has been said before going back to behaving in the same way.

The next Stage

Now, assuming that she was to arrive at the point where she is no longer willing to put up with what is going on, she could cut their ties with him. At first, she can feel greatly relieved and as though a heavy weight has been lifted from her shoulders.

However, after a while, she could feel rejected and abandoned, and feel a strong need to get back with him. Yet, if this does happen, she could end up reaching out to a trusted friend, and they could be supportive and understanding and make it clear that this wouldn’t serve her.

Stepping Back

If she doesn’t get back with him and is able to settle down, she could end up reflecting on her life. What might enter her mind at this point is that this is not the first time that she has been with a man who wasn’t available.

She may see that she has been with a number of other men who were the same. This may mean that all of these men were focused on their mothers, but it might not be this black and white.

The Same Story

But even if some of these men were not focused on their mothers, her experience would have been the same. When she thinks about this area of her life, she can feel helpless and hopeless.

Yet, as the kind of men that she continually ends up with will be very different to the type of man that she wants to be with, this is to be expected. What might enter her mind is that this is just what men are like, or she might believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding her back.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, what if this is not just what men are like, and neither is someone or something ‘out there’ holding her back? Instead, what if part of her is choosing to experience life in this way?

After hearing this, she could say that this is not true, as she wants to be with a man who is available and experiencing life in this way is causing her to suffer. Still, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind, or conscious sense of herself.

Two levels

Along with this part of her, she also has an unconscious mind. This other, hidden part of her is bigger and far more powerful than her conscious mind.

When it comes to this part of her, it is made up of her unmet developmental needs, adult needs that she has rejected, feelings, and parts of herself that she has lost touch with, among other things. With this in mind, at this deeper level, she can be trying to meet the needs that were not met during her formative years.

A Strong Need

The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of her life when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have meant that she missed out on the attunement and care that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. This would have also involved her losing touch with her connected, true self and developing a disconnected, false self.

A Brutal Time

Most likely, her mother and perhaps her father had also been brought up by parents who were the same, which is why they were unable to love her. But, as she was egocentric, she would have personalised what took place.  

It was then not that her mother and perhaps her father couldn’t provide her with what she needed; no, it was that she was unlovable and worthless, and her needs and feelings were bad. But, as emotionally unavailable and out of reach as one or both of her parents were, she would have struggled to be loved by them.

Moving Forward

This stage of her life will be over, of course, but a big part of her will be causing her to unconsciously create depriving situations in the hope of finally being loved. What this demonstrates is that this part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t see that another person is not her mother or father and it is too late for her to receive the love that she missed out on.

For her to no longer look for this love, she is going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk