Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Woman Energetically Unavailable If She Ends Up With Mother-Enmeshed Men?

A few weeks or months ago, a woman may have been with a man who was overly focused on his mother. Due to this, he would have directed a lot of time and energy toward his mother, having very little time for her.

At the beginning, though, he might have spent less time doing things for his mother and been more available. If so, as the weeks and months passed, this would have gradually changed.

An Exhausting Time

She would then have given and received, only for her to spend more time giving than receiving as time passed. As a result, feeling angry, frustrated and drained is likely to have been normal.

But although she would have become accustomed to feeling this way, she might have held on for a long time. This is because she might have believed that if she hung in there, he would gradually change.

It Was Futile

Yet, no matter how understanding and supportive she was or what she did for him, she may have found that he didn’t change. So, now that she is no longer with him, she could feel exhausted.

Along with this, she can feel very low emotionally, and might wonder if she will ever find a man who is available. What can play a part in what she is going through is that this might not be the first time she has been in this position.

Looking Back

If she were to look back on her life, she might see that the last man she was with was very similar. He might not have been overly focused on his mother, but he wouldn’t have been available nevertheless.

This might be as far back as it goes, or she might have been with more than two men who were like this. Either way, she will know what it is like to be with a man who she is unable to reach emotionally and is seldom physically within her reach.

External Feedback

If she were to speak to a trusted friend about this area of her life, she could be told that what is going on in this area of her life is not her fault, as this is just what men are like. The outcome of this is that she will have two choices: either she stays single, or she has a relationship that is not very fulfilling.

After she has had this conversation, she could think about how, as she is available and ready to have a relationship, what is going on in this area of her life can’t have anything to do with her. So, she can think about how she takes care of her appearance, puts herself out there and is in touch with how she feels, for instance.

Another Angle

Based on this, what is going on in this area of her life won’t have anything to do with her; it will just be the result of what is going on ‘out there’. However, what if it is not this black and white? what if there is more to it?

What if she is only available on one level, but at a deeper level, she is not available? Assuming that this is the case, the reason that she won’t be consciously aware of this is that she might have been this way since her formative years.

Back In Time

In other words, she might have lost access to a big part of her emotional self at the beginning of her life. This would have also involved her heart energetically withdrawing in order to protect itself from being harmed.

For example, this can mean that her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. The outcome of this is that she would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection, validation and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

A Painful Time

Thus, she would have not only been left when she needed attention and to be held, but she would have also received attention and been held at the wrong moments. This would have caused her to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

If she hadn’t lost touch with a big part of her emotional self and her heart hadn’t energetically withdrawn, the hurt that she experienced would have been too much for her to handle. She then wouldn’t be a woman who is not fully connected to her emotional self; she probably wouldn’t be alive.

The Next Stage

The years would then have passed, and the disconnected sense of self that she had created to survive would have just been what was normal. There would then have been no reason for her to be able to see that the men she ends up with are a reflection of how unavailable she is.

The view that she had formed of herself as being available would have also played a part in stopping her from being able to see clearly. What this illustrates is that her brain is designed to keep her unconscious and, therefore, unaware of what is going on inside her, not to harm her, but to ensure that she is able to keep it together and function.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for her to gradually change her life, there will be a number of steps for her to take. There can be beliefs for her to question, as her underdeveloped brain is likely to have personalised what happened, which might have caused her to believe that she was worthless and unlovable, and that her needs and feelings were bad.

Additionally, there will be pain for her to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk