Mother-Enmeshed Men: Was A Mother-Enmeshed Man Brought Up To Be His Mother's Emotional Regulator?

If a man spends a lot of time doing things for his mother and often thinks about her when he is not with her, he is going to be directing a lot of his time and energy toward her. Thanks to this, he might not have much of a life.

And, if he is dating or in a relationship with a woman, he might not have much time for her, and when he is with her, he might not be very present. This is something that she might often bring up.

One Outcome

Now, if she does bring this up, he might listen to what she has to say and see her point of view. He might have even said that he needs to spend less time doing things for his mother.

Assuming that he is in this position, he may have the need to speak to his mother about what is going on for him. But if he does, he can find that he starts to feel anxious and fearful.

Inner Conflict

It will then be as if he is about to do something wrong, not something that is in his best interests. What might enter his mind at this point is that if he were to spend less time focused on and doing things for her, something bad might happen to her.

If this is the case, he can think about how, as he is not responsible for her, there is no reason for him to feel this way. Still, it might be harder for him to accept this after he has had a conversation with her.

The Next Stage

After he has spoken about what is going on for him, his mother could be understanding and supportive. She could, in one way or another, make it clear that he has to live his own life.

Then again, she could end up criticising him and make out that he has to be there for her. It is then not going to occur to her that he is a separate human being with his own needs, feelings and life to lead.

A lot To Deal With

Shortly after this conversation, he can be filled with guilt and shame. It can be as if he would be betraying and abandoning his mother, and that something bad would happen to her if he implemented boundaries and was more focused on his own needs and life.

Due to this, he can continue to behave in the same way and go back to ignoring himself. This guilt and shame will then be so strong that the part of him that wants to live differently will be ignored.

Going Deeper

After a while, though, he might start to wonder why he feels responsible for his mother and believes that something bad would happen if he took his focus away from her. What might enter his mind is that it is as if she were a child and he were her parent.

As strange as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of his life when he had to adapt to his mother and meet a number of her needs.

Back In Time

She might have not only been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but also been in a bad way emotionally and found it hard to handle life. He would then have missed out on the attunement, care, affection, and support that he needed, and he would have had to behave like a parental figure.

A stage of his life when he needed to receive the right nutrients to grow and develop in the right way was then a time when he had to give. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Self-Alienation

The connection that he had to his connected, feeling and inner-directed true self would have been severed, with him forming a disconnected, unfeeling and outer-directed false self. And if he freely expressed himself and didn’t do as his mother wanted, he is likely to have been criticised, ignored, rejected or abandoned.

Being treated in this way would have caused him to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. This is because he was egocentric and would have personalised what happened.

Anchored to The past

So, while this stage of his life is over, a big part of him won’t realise this. At an emotional level, his survival will still be attached to his mother, and this is why he will need to ensure that he is there for her.

As a child, he would have feared that if he wasn’t there for her, something bad would have happened to him and her, and as he was powerless and dependent, this fear would have reflected reality. But now that he is an adult, he doesn’t have to be there for her, and even if something did happen to her, his life wouldn’t end.

Moving Forward

For him to gradually change his life, there will be a number of steps for him to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk