Mother-Enmeshed Men: Was A Mother-Enmeshed Man Brought Up To Be His Mother's Mirror?

What a man may have come to see is that although he is a separate individual who has his own needs, feelings, wants, and life to lead, he seldom acts as though this is the case. What he can see is that he typically acts as though he is an extension of his mother and is there to meet her needs.

Therefore, it will be normal for him to put his own needs to one side and to do things for her. He might see that, unless he is working, sleeping or with friends, for instance, he is there for her.

A Role

And, when he is around her, he can see that he becomes a certain type of person. So, he can focus on her, lose touch with his own needs, be very agreeable and do what he can to please her.

It can then be as if he has lost control of himself and has been taken over by an external force. After he has spent time with her, he can find that he feels frustrated, drained and confused.

A Natural Outcome

But, as he will become someone else around her and won’t show up, this is to be expected. When he is not around her, he will spend a lot of time focusing on her, and when he is, he will play a role.

After this, he can wonder why he is so caught up with her needs and can’t freely be himself around her. He can see that, unless this changes, his own life will continue to pass him by and he won’t be able to fully show up around his mother.

Stepping back

Now, if he were to imagine that he is less focused on her and when he is around her he acts like an individual, he can feel free, powerful and alive, and relieved and grateful. After a while, though, he can start to feel anxious and have the need to go back to how he was before.

If so, he can wonder why he would feel this way, especially as he is not on this planet to focus on and meet his mother's needs. However, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense.

Back in Time

This may have been a stage of his life when he didn’t receive the emotional nutrients that he needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. The reason for this is that his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Along with this, she might have looked toward him to be there for her and meet a number of her emotional needs. She would then have been his mother, but she would have been more like a child who needed to be cared for and soothed, which would have caused him to take on a parental role.

A Brutal Time

Assuming that this was the case, he would have missed out on the mirroring, attunement, care, affection and support that he needed. But even though he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded, he would have had to tune into her needs and meet them.

As he was powerless and dependent, he couldn’t say no and assert himself; he had to adapt to her. He was then the one who needed a responsive mother so that he could develop a strong sense of self, but he was the one who had to be responsive.

Developmentally Stunted

Most likely, his mother also missed out on what she needed during her formative years. She was then an adult, but at an emotional level, she hadn’t grown beyond around three years of age.

Anyway, to handle having a mother who was consumed by her own needs and looked to him to be there for her, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have caused him to lose touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

One Option

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also lived in the hope that, by being who she wanted him to be and doing what she wanted, she would love him.

But as futile as this hope and the struggle that ensued was, due to his mother being unable to provide him with what he needed, it would have served as a secondary defence. This is because it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension.

Moving Forward

Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, of course, but his system won’t realise this. His brain and body will still associate freely expressing himself with something that will cause him to be rejected, harmed and abandoned and as a threat to his existence.

For this to change, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

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