After being able to see that his mother used him during his early years to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs, a man can end up experiencing a lot of anger and rage towards her. What can make this even worse is that this can be what has also taken place throughout his adult years.
As a result of this, he will have suffered greatly as a child and his suffering will have continued. The person, who was supposed to build him up and help prepare him for the real world, will have done the complete opposite.
Now, at this point, it would be easy to say that the past is in the past and now that he is aware of what is going on, he can change his life. Furthermore, it could be said that his mother did the best that she could and is most likely a deeply damaged human being who is not even aware of what she did and is doing.
The best thing, then, will be for him to let go of what took place and to simply forgive his mother. If he was to share his experience with the people with who he comes into contact , this approach or one like it can be what many of them will suggest.
If it was as simple as letting go of what happened and forgiving his mother, this would surely be the right approach to take. However, most likely, it won’t be as simple as this and there will be far more to it.
What took place will have probably left him in an emotionally underdeveloped state and this is why he can’t just “let go” or “move on”. It could take years of work before he can truly put the past behind him and even then he can still have moments when the past appears to be very much in his present.
If he followed the aforementioned advice, it would most likely just cause him to repress his true feelings. Additionally, by forgiving his mother, he would be focusing on her again and ignoring his own needs and feelings.
So, just as his inner world was most likely invalidated and ignored as a child, he will, once again, be casting aside what is taking place inside him. When someone encourages another person to simply “let go” it can reveal, indirectly, that they don’t have a healthy relationship with their own emotions, and, when the emphasis is placed on forgiving a parent, it can show that the parent is being placed on a pedestal.
Therefore, as they are the parent, it means that their behaviour should just be overlooked. It then doesn’t matter if they were abusive as it is not acceptable to hold them to the same standard that another person would be held to if they were to engage in the same behaviour.
This need to let a parent off, so to speak, can be seen as a consequence of what takes place when someone, deep down, still sees their parent/s as being integral to their own survival. What they say is then an unconscious attempt at making sure that they are not harmed and/or abandoned and thus, ensure that their own life doesn’t come to an end.
Anyway, for the man to truly move forward, the answer is not for him to live in denial or to blame his mother. No, the answer is for him to face how he feels and to allow these feelings to pass through him.
By engaging in this process, he will gradually be able to let go of the past and he may find that as he rises above what happened, forgiving his mother is a natural by-product. As time passes, he could also find that he has a lot of wounds to heal in relation to his father too.
If his father was around during his early years, he might not have been emotionally available and he might not have exerted much influence either. In general, he might have been controlled by his partner (the man’s mother) and done his best to please her.
Instead of being there for his son and doing what he could to ensure that he grew into a well-adjusted man, he may have totally undermined him. Ergo, not only would be have not given him what he needed, he would have given him what he didn’t need.
A Beaten Man
He would have looked toward his father to protect him and to stand up to his mother but this wouldn’t have taken place. For whatever reason, his father wouldn’t have been in his power and was probably dominated by his mother.
The trouble was that as his father didn’t do anything and actually supported her behaviour, it would have created the impression that his mother was far more powerful than she was and it would have provided him with a very negative model of what it means to be a man. He needed his father to do something about his mother’s behaviour, not to support her on her path of destruction.
The Fall Out
When he thinks about the part that his father played in what took place, he can once again be filled with anger, rage and even hate. He can feel deeply betrayed, unloved, unwanted and rejected by him.
In all likelihood, his father was a broken man and didn’t have the strength to put an end to what was going on or the awareness of how destructive it was. What this means is that how he behaved wasn’t personal.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.