Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Stop Him From Breaking Away?

Not only can a man be focused on his mother but she can also expect him to be there for her and meet certain needs. From this, it will be clear that she can’t accept that he has his own needs and life to lead.

Based on how she treats him, it will be as if he is her possession and thus, she has the right to use him. There is then going to be no reason for her to feel guilty or ashamed about how she is behaving.

One Reaction

So, if he says that he can’t do something, she could criticise him and do what she can to make him feel guilty. As a result, it won’t be that she is in the wrong for expecting so much from him; no, it will be that he is in the wrong for not wanting his life to revolve around her.

After this, he can end up feeling guilty and ashamed and have the need to do whatever it is that she wants. To use an analogy, it will be similar to someone committing a crime and blaming another person and the other person feeling responsible for what has happened.

An Inversion

This will show that his mother won’t be aware of the fact that she has no right to his time and energy and he, her son, won’t be aware of the fact that she doesn’t have the right to use him. But, as his feelings, and his thoughts, will tell him that he is doing the wrong thing by saying no to her and being there for himself, this is not a surprise.

Due to this, his mother is not going to encourage him to live his own life and not focus on her and he is not going to allow himself to live his own life either. Unless he experiences an awakening, he will continue to be focused on her and his own life will pass him by.

A Strange Scenario

Now, assuming that he was to ‘wake up’ and see that he was living in the wrong way, he could struggle to understand what was going on. He could believe that his mother should be encouraging him to live his own life and he should feel comfortable doing so.

If he were to think about how long he has behaved in this way, he could see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. In this case, there is a strong chance that how he is behaving as an adult is a continuation of how he had to behave as a child.

Back In Time

If so, from a very young age, his mother wouldn’t have been able to be there for him. At this stage of his life, he needed to receive the right attunement and care to grow and develop in the right way.

Yet, apart from his basic needs being met, he would have been forced to adapt to his mother and meet a number of her needs. Naturally, this would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

The Outcome

This would have been a time when he gradually lost touch with his connected, true self and was forced to develop a disconnected and outer-directed, false self. He would have also come to see his needs and feelings as bad, as a result of how his mother responded to him.

His need to express himself and separate from her would have been repressed, as it would have been too painful and too much of a risk to stay connected to these parts of himself. Ultimately, his mother and perhaps his father would have gradually broken him down and he would have stayed in an emotionally dependent state.

The other Side

It can seem strange as to why his mother would have treated him in this way. Understandably, as she was his mother, she should have done what she could to give him what he needed and prepare him for the real world.

Instead, she would have undermined him and set him up to live a life that was anything but fulfilling. It could then be said that she was bad and even evil but there is likely to be more to it than this.

A Closer Look

There is a strong chance that she was also greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, which caused her to develop a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated, false self. Additionally, her time in her mother’s womb and her birth might not have been very harmonious.

Either way, she wouldn’t have moved beyond around three years of age and therefore, when her son was born, she is likely to have unconsciously seen him as someone who would give her what she missed out on as a child. This would then relate to him being someone who would give her the attunement, attention, and nurturing that she missed out on and wouldn’t leave her side.

A Strong Fear

One of the biggest fears that she was likely to have had, and still has, is likely to relate to her being left. When her son started to express his desire to physically separate from her and explore, she was likely to have felt anxious.

To control her anxiety and perhaps fear and stop herself from coming into contact with how she felt as a child when she was left, she would have automatically punished her son. It wouldn’t have mattered that his need to express himself was a key part of his development and what would play a key part in him being able to live his own life as her needs would have taken precedence.

The Same Story

As his mother was developmentally stunted, she was not in a position to give him what he needed to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being. It didn’t matter that her childhood was ‘in the past’ as she was still being controlled by her repressed pain and unmet developmental needs.

Taking this into account, as she was not in a position to give him what he needed to break away then, she is certainly not in a position to give him what he needs now. But, even if she were to ‘wake up’ and support him, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on during his formative years.

Moving Forward

For his life to change, he is likely to have a lot of inner and outer work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk