Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Act Like His Mothers External Regulator?

What may have stood out, if a man is dating a woman, is that he spends a lot of time doing things for his mother. He might also see that he spends a lot of time thinking about her and her needs.

Due to this, it might be hard for him to be present when he is with the woman he is dating. But even if this is the case, he can see that he is often this way when he is at work or with friends.

Another Scenario

Along with this, what can enter his mind is that, if his mother is unwell, he becomes very anxious and finds it hard to function. During this time, it can be as if he is a powerless and dependent boy.

If so, he will have the sense that if his mother were to pass on, his life will also come to an end. Assuming that he is in this position, it won’t be a surprise that he is so caught up in his mother’s world.

A Big Difference

Of course, there is a big difference between a man being there for his mother when she needs him and living his own life, and being caught up in her life and not being able to live his own life. Just as there is a big difference between a man being affected by his mother being unwell but not feeling as though his existence is under threat, and a man being affected by this and not feeling this way.

After reflecting on this, he can wonder why he is this way. What can enter his mind is that, as he is an adult, he should be able to focus on his own life, and his survival shouldn’t be attached to his mother.

Confusion

However, as confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might start to make sense. This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and looked toward him to be there for her.

As a result of this, his mother would have been an adult, but she would have been developmentally stunted and been more like a child. This was why the roles were reversed.

No Choice

What he needed was for her to provide him with attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support so that he could grow and develop in the right way. Instead, he had to focus on her and do what he could to meet some of her needs.

When he did freely express himself in the beginning, he was likely to have been ignored, rejected or abandoned. And, as his survival was dependent on his mother, he had to do what he could to maintain his connection to her.

The outcome

Thanks to this, he had no other choice but to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

This would have been a way for him to avoid being left by his mother and his life coming to an end, in addition to being a way for him to try to be loved by her. He would have hoped that, by becoming who she wanted and behaving how she wanted, she would be there for him and love him.

It was futile

But as helpless as he was, as his mother most likely couldn’t provide him with what he needed, as she had also been deprived during her formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered how he adapted. Even so, adapting in this way would have served as a secondary defence that aided in repression and allowed them to release tension.

Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but as he will be in an underdeveloped state and will carry most, if not all, of the pain and the unmet developmental needs that were repressed all those years ago, it will be as though he can’t survive without his mother. Ensuring that she doesn’t fall apart will then be a way for him to ensure that he also doesn’t fall apart.

Moving forward

Taking all this into account, for him to change this area of his life, he will have a number of steps to take. There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk