Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Believe That She Is Entitled To His Attention?

If a man is overly focused on his mother and neglects himself, it doesn’t mean that his mother will feel uncomfortable with what is going on. Instead, she can believe that he is behaving in the right way.

What this can show is that she doesn’t realise that he has his own needs and is here to live his own life. Like an appliance that she has bought to meet one or a number of her needs, then, he will be here to serve her needs.

One Function

The difference is that she won’t have brought him; she will have given birth to him. Even so, and to quote Kahlil Gibran, he will have come “through her, not from her”.

But, although this is the case, this won’t be something that she is able to accept. The trouble is that he might not be aware of the fact that he is neglecting himself, which will prevent him from changing his behaviour.

A Slave

Assuming that that this is so, he will continue to abandon himself and a great deal of his time and energy will be directed toward his mother. It can seem strange why he wouldn’t be aware of what is going on but this is likely to show that he has been this way for most of his life.

Thus, due to how normal it is, there will be no reason for him to see that he is living in the wrong way. Nonetheless, as he has turned his back on himself, he is going to pay a price.

Internal Feedback

But, as he is focused on his mother and meeting a number of her needs, as well as being caught up in other distractions, he can be oblivious to the information inside him that is there to let him know that he is living in the wrong way. So, if he were to take his attention away from her and stop doing other things, he could feel angry, frustrated and exhausted.

Before long, though, he could feel anxious and fearful and have the need to focus on her again. This is because, deep down, he can believe that if he doesn’t focus on her, his life will come to an end.

Trapped

He is then going to be free to draw the line with his mother and live his own life but it will be as though he has no control and has to do what she wants. Now, his mother should make it clear that he is here to live his own life and encourage him to do so.

Not only this, but she should feel guilty and ashamed for treating him in this way. But, as she doesn’t, at least not consciously, and she is comfortable with him being there for her, it shows that something is not right.

What is going on?

Taking into account how she is behaving, there is a strong chance that she doesn’t see him as her son. In all likelihood, she sees him as a parental figure that is there to meet her needs.

If, then, he is seen as her parent, it is not a surprise that she believes that she has the right to his attention. What this will illustrate is that even though she is physically an adult, she doesn’t feel like an adult, deep down.

Developmentally Stunted

When it comes to her emotional self, she might not have grown beyond around three years of age. As a result, this part of her will need a parent and will feel entitled to the attention that a parent provides.

Of course, her son will be her son, not her parent but this part of her won’t be aware of this. She will unconsciously project the parent that she wanted into her son, which is why she will expect so much from him and not feel guilty and ashamed.

Not Seen

How she sees him now that he is an adult is likely to be a continuation of how she saw him practically from the moment that he was born. Her childhood would have well and truly been behind her but as she is likely to have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, she would have still been looking for what she missed out on.

Her son, by being powerless and dependent on her for his survival, would have had no other choice but to adapt to her. A time when he needed to receive, to grow and develop in the right way, would have been a time when he was forced to give.

Generational Deprivation

As his mother had been deprived during her formative years, she wasn’t in a position to give him what he needed. She was needy and needed to be loved and, as she was the one who had the power, unlike when she was a child, she finally had someone who would make her the centre of their world and be there for her.

For him to change his life first he will need to become aware of what is going on and then, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk