Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Does A Mother-Enmeshed Mans Mother See Him As An Extension Of Herself?

If a man is in a position where he does a lot for his mother and has the tendency to overlook a number of his needs, he could wonder why he is this way. He could see that by living in this way, he is being deprived.

As a result of this, it is not possible for him to live a life that is worth living. Instead, he is simply going to go through the motions in life, with him watching on as his life passes by.

The Same Old Story

He could see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. It can then be as if he was simply born this way and there is very little that he can do to change his life.

But, if his life has been this way for a long time, it is not going to be a surprise if he believes he was born this way and this is how his life will always be. However, even if he has this view, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth.

Back In Time

Most likely, his early years were anything but nurturing, with this being a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. So, practically from the moment that he was born, he might have often been left and, when he did receive his mother’s attention, it might have been a time when he typically received misattuned care.

Thus, being left when he needed attention and receiving attention when he didn’t need it, for instance, would have been the norm. And, as time passed, he probably had to focus on his mother's needs and be there for her.

Role Reversal

At first, he would have missed out on what he needed and, after this stage, he would have also missed out on what he needed but he would have been forced to give. Instead of being able to go through each developmental stage - to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being - he wouldn’t have moved beyond the dependent stage of his development.

This is why he will be a man but he won’t feel strong and capable. A big part of him, his emotional self, will be in an underdeveloped state, which will prevent him from being able to act like an individual.

The Truth

With this in mind, there is nothing inherently wrong with him and he is not weak; it is just that he didn’t receive what he needed. What this illustrates is that he wasn’t born emotionally whole and complete.

If he was born with a fully formed sense of self, what happened to him during his formative years wouldn’t have had the same impact. After arriving at this understanding, he could wonder why his mother behaved in this way and still can’t accept that he is an individual who has his own life to lead.

A Closer Look

There is a strong chance that she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. To handle what happened, she probably developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self.

She would then have come across as strong but she would have still been developmentally stunted. Therefore, instead of being an infant or toddler who saw others as being an extension of her, she became an adult who had the same outlook.

An Inversion

When she had a son, she wouldn’t have been in a position to love him as she herself was too underdeveloped and needy. He would then have unconsciously been seen as someone who could provide her with what she had missed out on during her formative years.

It then wouldn’t have occurred to her that he was a separate human being who had his own needs and feelings and life to lead. He would have been seen as having basic needs, such as the need to eat, sleep and be clothed, but that was probably about it.

Totally Unaware

This would have allowed her to use him, whilst being completely oblivious to the damage that she was doing. Deep down, due to her never having moved beyond the toddler stage of her development, she would have seen him as her possession and been entitled to his time and attention.

But, as she was not an adult and her son was not her mother and/or father, what she received from him wouldn’t have allowed her to grow up. This is why, even though she used him during his formative years, her behaviour hasn’t changed as she is still just as underdeveloped.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, there is nothing inherently wrong with him and he is not unlovable; he simply missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. As for his mother, it is highly unlikely that she will ever change; she will be too unconscious and entrenched in her history. 

For him to change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to work through, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk