Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Be Depressed?

Unless a man is at work, eating or sleeping, for instance, he can be doing things for his mother. So, he might be listening to her talk about her problems, taking her somewhere, or buying things for her.

Thanks to how much time and energy he spends on her, he is unlikely to have much of a life himself. But even though he is neglecting himself, this might not be something that crosses his mind.

Weighed Down

However, while he might not realise that he is neglecting himself, what he can be aware of is how low and drained he often feels. He can then see that he seldom has any energy, and no matter how much he sleeps or what he eats, it doesn’t have much of an impact on him.

As a result, he could come to the conclusion that he suffers from depression. If he does reach out for support, he could end up seeing his doctor, with him being put on medication.

The Next Stage

Assuming that this is what takes place, he may find that it is easier for him to function, but that’s about it. He is then not going to be full of energy or feel good about himself.

Even so, he could just go back to living in the same way, with him hoping that his life will change before long. It might not be long, though, until he is unable to carry on behaving in the same way, due to how exhausted he is.

External Feedback

If he does hit rock bottom and can no longer function in the same way, he could end up talking to a trusted friend about what is going on for him. During this time, his friend could say that, for so long, he has done a lot for his mother and ignored himself.  

After this, they could say that it is probably because of this that he has gradually burnt himself out. Therefore, it won’t be that he just suffers from depression and now he can’t function; it will be that he has lived it the wrong way for many, many years, and what he is going through is a consequence of that.

Another Reality

For him to gain a deeper understanding of why he behaves in this way, there is an exercise that he can do. He can imagine that he lives a life where he no longer denies his own life force, freely expresses himself, and his life no longer revolves around his mother’s needs.

At first, he can feel free, alive and powerful, with him soon feeling relieved and grateful. But, after a little while, he can have the need to pull himself back in, turn his back on himself and go back to being there for his mother.

A Strange Scenario

If this is the case, he can find that by going back to how he was before, he is able to settle down. If this is the experience that he has, he can wonder why he is this way.

Nonetheless, as confusing as it will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him as a boy, he might gradually understand why he is living in a way that is not serving him and causes him to feel lifeless feels so comfortable. During this stage of his life, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

A Brutal Time

Along with this, she might have looked toward him to meet some of her needs. Consequently, he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, and he would have been forced to give when he needed to receive.

And, when he did express his needs and himself, he is likely to have been disapproved of, rejected, or abandoned. He would have soon learnt that his needs and feelings were bad and that he could only survive by focusing on and meeting his mother’s needs.

One option

To handle what happened, and keep it together and function, he would have had to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.
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Ultimately, as his mother didn’t adapt to him, he had to become who she wanted and behave how she wanted. But, while she couldn’t provide him with what he needed, most likely because she herself had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, he would have lived in the hope that if he struggled for her love, she would love him.

A Key Part

As futile as this hope was, it would have served as a secondary defence that aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Without this, it would have been harder for him to avoid his inner and outer reality and survive a stage of his life that greatly undermined him.  

Many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent boy, but due to how traumatised he was and how he adapted, it will be as if this stage of his life is not over.  

Moving Forward

For him to gradually reconnect to himself, embrace his life force, feel safe enough to freely express himself and implement boundaries with his mother, there will be a number of steps for him to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for eternal support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk