Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Discard A Woman?

If a man is caught up in his mother’s world, he might not have the time or energy to be in a relationship with a woman. Then again, he might have had a number of relationships over the years.

So, if he is not in a relationship, it might not be long until he is in one. After speaking to a woman for a little while on a dating app or in the real world that he is attracted to, he could go on a date and it might not be long until he is seeing the woman.

The Next Phase

In the beginning, he could be very attentive, warm and supportive. Moreover, he might spend a lot of time texting and calling her and want to spend a fair amount of time with her.

At this point, the woman could feel valued, loved and accepted. She could believe that she has found a man who is not only right for her but who she will spend the rest of her life with, for instance.

The next Part

However, after a number of weeks, months or perhaps longer, he could become less available. He might not text as much, rarely call and not have much time to see her.

Not only this, but he could become very critical and accuse her of things that she hasn’t done. Conversely, she might not hear from him or see him.

A Confusing Time

If the first thing takes place, it is naturally going to be hard for her to understand what is going on. However, as he is still around, she might believe that she can find out what is going on.

On the other hand, if he has vanished and she can’t get hold of him, she is likely to believe that she will never find out about what is going on. Either way, she is likely to be in a lot of pain.

Cast Aside

This can be a time when she will feel rejected, worthless, unlovable, and abandoned. But, as she will have been with a man who was one way and then changed for no apparent reason, this is to be expected.

She could also have moments when she feels very low and depressed and others when she is full of anxiety and even fear. Thus, to say that she won’t be in a good way will be an understatement.

One outcome

She can end up being consumed by the need to find out why he is behaving in this way. This can cause her to send him a lot of messages, call him a lot and to go to his home.

There can be at least two reasons why she would behave in this way; first, she is likely to want to find out why he is behaving in this way to make sense of what is going on and put her mind at rest, and second, this is likely to be a way for her to avoid how she feels. However, no matter what she does, she might not be able to find out why he is behaving in this way.

Another Approach

If she were to get to the stage where part of her can accept that he has disappeared and/or is not willing to help her to experience closure, she could end up looking for answers in another direction. For example, she could look for answers online.

This can be a time when she will be told that the man that she was with idealised, devalued and then discarded her. She could also find out that as the man is likely to be developmentally stunted, he unconsciously projected the mother that he had during his formative years into her.

The Outcome

In this case, when he was available and then when he became unavailable, he only wasn’t primarily responding to her; he was primarily responding to the mother he had. He would then have been looking for his mother’s love at the beginning and as his attachment to her grew, he would have come into contact with painful feelings that he expensed during his formative years in relation to his mother.

He might have felt smothered, trapped, violated and overwhelmed, causing him to pull away and lose interest in the woman. As he wasn’t aware of the fact that the woman was unlocking old emotional wounds, he would have believed that the woman caused him to feel this way.

Self-Protection

If this is so, he didn’t push her away because he was trying to punish her and he no longer felt anything for her; he pushed her away to protect himself. But, due to how stunted he is and how much pain he was in, cutting his ties with her and emotionally shunting down was seen as his only option.

This is unlikely to be something that he consciously chose to do, either; it is likely to have happened automatically and unconsciously. But, as oblivious as he is likely to have been, he would have still caused a lot of harm.

The Other Side

If the woman has been in this position before, it could also show that she is replaying an early childhood experience. She may have had a mother and/or father who was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Additionally, one or both of her parents might have been warm and attentive in one moment and cold and disinterested in the next. This would then have been a time when she often felt worthless, unlovable, rejected, invisible and abandoned.

The Same Story

To handle what was going on, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her developmental needs. Yet, as she was egocentric, in addition to personalising what took place, she would have believed and lived in the hope that if she did what this parent wanted, she would finally be loved.

This would have caused her to block out reality and struggle for something that wasn’t available, but it would have played a key part in allowing her to survive this stage of her life. Many, many years will have passed, but deep down, at an unconscious level, she will still be trying to meet her unmet developmental need to be loved.

It’s over

This part of her is blind and has no sense of time, which is why it doesn’t matter that other men are not her mother and/or father. To this part of her, they will be one or both of her parents and will have the ability to give her what she missed out on.

For her to no longer look for what she missed out on as a child, she will have pain to face and work through, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk