Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have An Idealised View Of His Mother?

If a man is entangled in his mother’s world and his life largely revolves around her needs, he might not see it. However, if he were to end up dating a woman, the woman could soon see that he is out of balance.

Not only this, but she could see that his mother is not grateful for what he does for her and is simply using him. Assuming that this is the case, she can wonder why he can’t just face up to what is going on and start putting himself first.

The Next Stage

After this, she can talk to him about how he does a lot for his mother and is overlooking a number of his own needs in the process. This can be a time when he will show resistance, but will gradually see what she is saying.

Alternatively, he can deny what she says and say that his mother loves him and that he loves her, or something similar. If this is what takes place, she can feel frustrated and confused.

A natural outcome

But, as she is able to see clearly and he isn’t able to see what is taking place right in front of his eyes, this is to be expected. Still, she might even have moments when she wonders if she is the one who is not seeing clearly.

If she does have these moments, when she is able to see clearly, she can wonder why he can’t see that he is neglecting himself and is being used. After a while, she can talk to him again, and she might be able to make more progress.

The next Step

This can be a time when he will be able to accept that he does a lot for her, and he might even see that she doesn’t appreciate what he does do. So, he can find that he often feels exhausted and, when he is unable to do something for his mother, she reacts negatively.

Nonetheless, what he can also find is that he feels a strong need to be there for her, and when she does react negatively when he can’t do something for her, he feels bad. He can then see that although he is being used by her and she doesn’t appreciate him, he has a positive view of her.

Inner Conflict

Thanks to how he sees her, it is then going to cause him to block out what she is actually like. At this point, he can wonder why he can’t just see her clearly, as opposed to having a lopsided view of her.

But, as strange as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his formative years, it might soon make sense. This is likely to have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Back In Time

Practically from the moment that he was born, he might have typically missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. He would then have had to adapt to her and, as the years passed, he probably had to be there for her and meet some of her needs.

To handle not receiving what he needed and the pain that this caused him, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his connected and embodied true self and developing a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

Another Part

Furthermore, as he was egocentric, he would have believed that he was bad and that his mother was good and lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, she would love him. It was then not that his mother simply couldn’t love him; it was that he was the problem and had to earn her love.

As inaccurate as his view of his mother was and as futile as this struggle was, by seeing her in this way and struggling, it would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to keep it together and function. If he had seen her clearly and realised that she couldn’t love him, it would have been catastrophic.

Its over

This stage of his life will now be over, of course, but as he will be developmentally stunted and will carry a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs, he will still need to block out what his mother is actually like and struggle for her love. If he were to see her clearly and stop struggling, this would start to unlock a lot of pain.

For him to be able to see her clearly and end the struggle for her love and thus, be there for himself, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk