Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Need To Stay Enmeshed To His Mother?

If a man is in a position where he is overly focused on and does a lot for his mother, he is unlikely to have much of a life. But even if his own life is being neglected, it doesn’t mean that he is consciously aware of what is going on.

The reason for this is that experiencing life in this way can just be what is normal. If so, his life won’t be anything like it could be, but this is not going to be something that stands out.

One Scenario

Sooner or later, he might end up dating a woman and even getting into a relationship. Assuming that this takes place, the woman he is with could notice that he is out of balance and mention this to him.

However, he could end up denying what she says and accusing her of being selfish or of having something against his mother. What this will illustrate is that he doesn’t want to face reality.

A Battle

As the days, weeks and months pass, she could continue to try to get through to him, only for her to experience the same outcome. At this point, she can wonder why he is so reluctant to see what is right in front of his eyes.

Due to how long this has been going on for, she can also feel angry, frustrated and drained. She might question whether she needs to simply accept what he is like and cut her ties with him.

Inner Conflict

What may make it hard for her to do this is how long she has been with him and the hope that he will change. But, she might see that the longer she stays with him, the longer it will take for her to find a man who is available.

As for the hope that he will change if she hangs in here, she might see that this hope stops her from having to face parts of herself that are painful. If she were to let go of this hope, then, she could come into contact with a lot of pain.

The Other Side

This pain can be a consequence of what she has experienced but hasn’t faced, processed and integrated as an adult and as a child. She can also carry unmet developmental needs that need to be experienced.

Now, if she were to end the relationship, this could end up being a blessing in disguise for the man. At first, he can be in a bad way, but over time, he can end up taking a step back and reflecting on his life.

One Direction

After he has done this for a little while, the question that might enter his mind is why he acts more like an extension of his mother than a separate human being who has his own life to lead. He can see that this is not serving him, and the sooner he changes, the better.

Nevertheless, even though he can see this and wants to change his behaviour, he can find that he is unable to do so. He can feel very uncomfortable when he thinks about changing his behaviour, let alone actually doing so.

A Closer Look

If he were to sit with how he feels, he may find that he feels anxious, and it is as though his life is going to end. From this, what will stand out is that although abandoning himself is not serving him, acting in this way is allowing him to keep it together and function.

He is then not consciously choosing to behave in this way; his system automatically makes sure he behaves in this way. This is likely to show that he is carrying a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs.

What’s going on?

As confusing as this is likely to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. During this stage of his life, his mother is likely to have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Furthermore, she is likely to have looked toward him to be there for her and to meet some of her needs. Thus, he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and love that he needed, and when he did express his needs, he was likely to have often been rejected and abandoned.

The Outcome

To handle what happened and to keep it together and function, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self and forming a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

In other words, he would have lost touch with himself and done what he could to focus on and meet her needs in order to maintain his connection to her and not be left and annihilated. If he hadn’t lost touch with himself and didn’t focus on her, he would have been overwhelmed with pain and his needs and his life would have probably come to an end.

Moving Forward

This stage of his life is now over, of course, and he is no longer a powerless and dependent child, but as he is still carrying most, if not all, of the pain that he had to repress, along with his unmet developmental needs, he won’t know this. Avoiding how he feels and staying focused on his mother will, like then, be how he is able to stop himself from falling apart.

He is then not behaving in this way because he is weak or lacks courage; it is that his system is doing what it can to ensure his psychological survival. With this in mind, for him to gradually change his life, he will have a number of steps to take.

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk