Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Want To Save His Mother?

A man could have a mother who is unwell or he might not but he could still spend a lot of time doing things for her. From the outside, it can be as though she is his daughter and it is his responsibility to take care of her.

So, when he is not taking care of his basic needs or at work, for instance, he could be doing things for her. This could be something that she is grateful for, or she might act as if she is entitled to his time, energy and attention.

The Norm

But, even if she is not grateful for all the things that he does for her, this might not be something that he is aware of. The reason for this is that behaving in this way can just be what is normal.

If so, deep down, behaving in this way is likely to be seen as the right thing for him to do and he won’t expect to be valued and appreciated. Still, thanks to how much he does for her and how little he does for himself, behaving in this way is going to cause him to suffer.

External Feedback

However, if a friend or family member were to mention that he does a lot for his mother and that he needs to take better care of himself, he might not be able to hear what they say. For example, he could say that he is doing fine and that they don’t need to worry.

Than again, he could become defensive, accusing them of being critical and having something against his mother. Either way, it will be clear that he is not ready to accept that he is out of balance.

In Denial

If he were merely an extension of his mother, there would be no reason for him to change his behaviour. But, as he has his own needs and feelings and life to lead, he can’t behave in this way without paying a price.

What he can do is ignore what is taking place within him and pretend that he is not abandoning himself. Sooner or later, though, he might arrive at a point where he can no longer behave in this way.

Inner Conflict

If this were to happen, he probably wouldn't just be able to change his behaviour. Part of him can have the need to be there for himself and another part of him can have the need to be there for his mother.

He will know that living in this way is not serving him but the mere thought of standing up for himself can cause him to experience guilt and shame. He can also experience fear and anxiety.

A Deeper Look

If he were to take a closer look at what is going on, he could find that he believes that he is responsible for his mother. This is then going to be why he will feel guilty and ashamed if he is not there for her.

Additionally, he could find that he believes that his mother is in control of his survival. This will then be why he feels fearful and anxious if he is not there for her.

Another Element

There might be more to it as he could see that part of him is trying to be loved by his mother. Not doing what she wants is then going to be seen as something that will stop this from taking place.

Nonetheless, no matter what he does for her, it is unlikely that he will ever receive this love. Moreover, he will be looking for the love that he missed on as a child and, now that he is an adult, it will be good late for him to receive this love.

Back In Time

Taking into account what is going on for him as an adult, it is likely that he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a boy. This is likely to have been a time when his mother was unable to provide him with the love that he needed and forced him to adapt to her needs.

To handle what was going on, he would have gradually lost touch with a number of his needs and feelings. His connected true self would then have been replaced by a disconnected, false self.

The Fall Out

So, as he had to be there for her at this stage of his life, it is to be expected that he would feel guilty and ashamed if he is not there for her. He would have been conditioned to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he had to take care of her needs.

He also wouldn’t have been given the support that he needed to freely express himself at this stage, which would have caused him to believe that he could only survive if he acted like an extension of her. Lastly, as he was deprived at this stage, he wouldn’t have received the love that he needed, but, this need wouldn’t have disappeared; it would have been repressed and continued to define his life from behind the scenes.

Drawing the Line

One thing this would have done is caused him to believe that if he was there for his mother and even saved her – perhaps she was not in a good way mentally or emotionally – she would finally be able to be there for hm. But, as it wouldn’t have mattered what he did, he would have been wasting his time.

With this in mind, for him to change his life, there will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk